His Mother Should Have Thrown Him Out And Kept The Stork.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.....Another cracker from Mae West.

I should remember this phrase more often, as it rather sheds some slight, glimmer of humour onto the less than misbahaved men of this world.

In the days of Mae West, Hollywood Era, grace, poise, dignity and men being the leaders, what was a man's worst romantic crime?

Betrayal? Such as infidelity, lying, not consulting his partner of an important change to happen in their lives...Neglect? Abuse? Simply leaving his wife alone with the baby every evening, while he works late and then goes for social outtings with fellow male companions?

Women in those times didn't really have too much choice of whether to stand by their husbands or not...In fact they were the 'disgraced' one if they were shown to be unsupportive, so, any 'romantic crime' that was committed was soon burried under the carpet, so to speak.


I'm not sure whether the women of that era were more dignified when it came to their relationships or just more supressed....

What happens nowadays? Throw a public tantrum, post some unhappy social media updates, feel completely wronged, alone, betrayed?

Well, I think it's just the evolution of our society that's created this or perhaps, the devolution of some of the male generation....

Devolution such as the following;

-Not being courteous; opening doors, offering a hand, making sure she's warm, holding her umbrella? (Okay, that might be a little too far.)

-Making a woman think she's the one who's mad when she catches onto a lie. This is what produces specimens of psycho, bunny-boiler types!

-Respect. Lack of. When a Hollywood icon flashed a bit of cleavage, the leading man would not under any circumstance encourage her to carry on, he would look slightly bashful with a hint of luckiest-man-in-the-world to have seen such wonder. (Yes, I might be going a little too far again with the facial expressions.)

-Being a coward. You make a commitment to someone. When you faulter, don't run away. Face your commitment. Whatever level of commitment it is. And if you do choose to end it, have the grace to not start seeing someone else before it's over, don't ignore her until she ends it first and for Mae's sake, don't end it in a text!
 

Sex Toys and STI's

I recently had an experience of tackling the subject of Sexually Transmitted Infections with a new love interest.
(Do you notice how I start all my stories with 'recently'?)

Now. Before you take this as some kind of new-angle take of writing a blog about the more serious things in life or trying to 'teach' others new things, I'm not.

This is how the situation should have gone...

Me: I think before we do anything together sexually we should both make sure we're free from sti's.
Him: Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

This is how the situation actually went.... (Condensed and simplified)

Me: I want to suck your dick.
Him: I want to go down on you.

Half-naked times commence.

Me: I want to have sex with you.
Him: Okay, let me get a condom.
Me: I'm on the pill.
Him: Errrm....
Me: Oh... Are you worried about the other thing?
Him: Yes.
Me: I see. Well. But.... I don't understand, you just went down on me... If you're gonna get something... You can get it from that as well...
Him: What.

At this point I explain that sexual fluids are sexual fluids and have to break it to him that you can still get aids just from giving oral sex. Sigh. Making him feel stupid. Feel like a bitch.

Him: Well, since my last STI check-up I've used a condom everytime I've had sex.
Me: Yes but I've only had sex with a girl wearing a strap on since I last had a check-up. And she's a porn star. They have to be checked all the time and be safe....I'm pretty sure you can't catch an STI from a strap-on! (Sigh. I'm being a bitch again.)
Him: .....


And now it's almost Christmas. I have to try and get a sex-test around the Christmas period.

It's going to be ages before I can have sex.

I feel like I'm living in a, safe-sex at the holidays, booklet...

Father Christmas's Guide To Safe Holiday Sex!  

I think I'm onto a winner...

Another Week, Another Adventure

I don't even know where to begin with my week.
I've been insanely busy. Partying. Ha. It's a hard life I lead right?!

In seriousness though, I have been working stupid amounts.

And Christmas is coming soon right!
I haven't even had a chance to devise a little Christmas list of my own, let alone, shop for other people!
(That should be the other way round though, shouldn't it?)(Yes, I'm selfish.)


So, one of my days this week carried it's usual mix of surrealism and strange reality.

I was at a themed studio all day, that's weirdly enough ran by a member of a famous metal band. (Very odd.)The studio is beautiful. It's a set of themed rooms, a gothic style bedroom chamber, a prison cell, a big elegant-gothic style lounge area, an office, a bar and an American diner. Oh and a dungeon/torture chamber room.

I kept wishing the bar was real. And there was a fake frothy milkshake with straws that I just wanted to be a real vanilla ice-cream float. (I even tried sucking on it just in case...)(No pun intended.)


Anyway, so we were there shooting porn again, obviously, I was not in the porn, I am just the make-up artist.


Now, we'd been up since 8am, I'm not used to the early hours, by the time we'd got to the studio and done all the make-up and set-up, it was gone midday.
I needed a nap badly. And I was cold. (Air-con in a place where people are predominantly naked, someone please explain?)
So I sought comfort on the nearest comfy spot; a torture style, leather-effect bed. Complete with a wooden cage underneath. Yep. I took my nap in the torture chamber. Glamourous.

Obviously after my nap I was a happy kitten and decided to be sociable again and see what's going on.... Apply some more make-up...... Decide to play on the sex swing hanging from the ceiling......

I need to get my single girl shit together.

One Extreme To The Next

My life is laughable at the moment.

Last weekend I spent Bonfire night in a porn studio. (SheBang.TV FYI)
For six hours I was with two naked girls.
One with implants, blonde extensions, tanned skin. The typical 'porn babe' and the other a beautiful, innocent-blue eyed, black hair with a tiny waist.

I was almost hanging out naked as well just because it was so insanely hot in there.

I was working (doing make-up) until gone 2am. One of the girls put an indoor sparkler (safety first) in herself (/up herself?) which was rather entertaining.

At one point I did wonder to myself what the etiquette was for sitting in a porn studio...
I mean, I got rather bored a couple of hours in and kinda wanted to read a magazine but I thought to myself, would that be rude?


Anyway. A few hours later I was awake again, travelling back from London. Already tired. Already consumed half my daily calories with a McDonalds breakfast.
I get to my usual job....

'Can I have some mint sauce with my chicken please' (Yes, I've made that more polite than the actual request)
'My kids are hungry, where's our food?'
'Do you have sour cream?' (No.)
'I don't have a yorkshire pudding.'

Are you kidding me?! 12 hours ago I was rubbing foundation into someone's pubic region and now I have to deal with you morons?!

My life, ladies and gentleman. Ever a pleasure.

Internet Dating... Really?

Going on a dating website.

Yes. I dared to go on this stupid adventure. Again.
Uh-huh, you heard. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone down this road.

What possessed me this time? Well I wish it was some kind of dramatic event that scared me into believing I was destined for a life of being Miss Haversham. It wasn’t.



(I was bored.)

This time I decided to use it to a slight creative advantage though and so thought I’d collate  me of the amusing rubbish I got sent...(With my comments)

User: Bromleyboi
Message:Ur ass here now lol


Right. Why are you including Avril Lavigne spelling in your username. Seriously. What’s wrong with you? And do you think putting a ‘lol’ at the end is meant to make me laugh also and see your message as ‘cheeky’ and endearing?

User: samdabest
Message: I'm doing survey at the moment and my message can be cheeky for you. But if you sensibly answer me, it will make my life easier.

Question:Why you cover your breast if it is made to be shown off at some point?

Another great username. ‘Da.’ ‘Da Best.’ Do I even need to comment on this? Who the eff says that apart from someone who wants to be Ali G?I had to use some great restraint to not reply asking how on earth breasts are made to be shown off? For a start, I thought they were ‘made’ to hold milk. So to be honest, your question creates thoughts in my head that I don’t even want to entertain.

Lazydave- 'I'm not gonna lie, you have definitely a fuller profile than most and all that I notice from it is that you think that a date involves going skydiving!

I can only presume that someone asked you to do this as a date, and it shows that clearly they're an idiot. I can honestly say that I wouldn't ask you on a skydiving date, because I'm not retarded, I can only promise that I would be a slightly above average conversationalist. And since you have already seen what I look like from my pics, I can't argue that I'm stunning, I'm generic at best.
So with your expectations set at a reasonable level, how would you go about becoming a make up artist?'

Why, oh why, why, why, why on earth would you degrade yourself so much when trying to get someone’s attention. I’d like to know if this person ever gets any replies from this…

'Hey how are you tonight photography's fun never done it but my mate is constantly taking photos he's obsessed I have told him to shove his camera somewhere once or twice haha.'


You think photography’s fun? But you’ve never done it? So what about it do you find fun? Are you perhaps just trying your best to relate to one of my interests? Yes? Thought so.

HeartbrokenandSingle

Just the username for this one. His profile and message matched as expected. Yes. He’s just got out of a long-term, serious relationship. Who the hell wants to get involved with someone who’s pining for another girl?!

'IV just come out of prison so this is new to me I went in for something petty tbh but it taught me u can never have to many friend and I'm a nice Guy even fellow in mates said the same and friends say I treat women to good after everything IV Bern through with them hope to hear from u xx'

I admire the honesty, really I do. But not enough to actually reply. Why would you tell someone this in a first message?!
How are you even meant to reply to something like that? ‘Yes, I’ve heard prison isn’t a great place to be. What were you in for? I’d love to meet you soon and talk about it….’

'hey sweets u ok,
ohh love ya pic xso wat race are u then? X'

Erm. To explain. The dating site has a line that states your ethnicity. My name is Madison. I’m caucasion. It’s pretty clear what race I am. If I could face palm in reply to a message. I would.

'wow! If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction just for looking hot like this lol'

This one’s just for the chat up line… And this one;
'Hope you don't mind me messaging you but you caught my eye.. don't worry its not hurt so no need to call a doctor lol.'


'hey there gawjus u okay???? i just looked at ure pic an i thought wow ure gawjus an thought that u deserve to no, and how cum ure on here cuz sureley u havnt got a problem pulling lads lol x'

OH MY GOD. Why can’t you spell?! Why have you just spelt gorgeous like that more than once! I deserve to ‘no’ I’m ‘gawjus’? Well thank you sooo much. I really, really appreciate that information. Thank you for letting me know!
P.S. ‘Pulling lads’ is one thing, finding someone who can hold a conversation is another.

'Hey. you prob get so many messages on here so not sure what to put to make you interested in me but here goes!!!
I'm dan I'm 23 from
Reading! Im a pretty laid back and chilled out guy. What sort of guy you looking for on here? You seem a really nice
girl so take a look on my profile
and if you like the look of me then message back :) xxxxx'

I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a bad message, why are you flagging this up?
Well. His profile is dull as hell. Hell would be more interesting. Not a great comparison.
But that’s not why!! This message. This EXACT message. I have so far received four times! Four times! Over the course of about 2 months. Whaaaaat?!

'You look so cute, your picture is almost as adoreable as the one of my dog'

Oh great. That’s along the same lengths as the guy who said I looked like a constipated budgie in my photo but ‘in a good way’ and then going on to say I seem like I have a really great, dry sense of humour.
My sense of humour doesn’t extend that far, mate!
If I was writing a rule book on internet dating then this would create the rule
‘Don’t compare anyone to an animal. Ever.’

Ramble and Bamble

I don't even know where to start on my escapades of late.

They involve;

-Being on the set of a glamour shoot and watching some live porn (Cue, jealousy from all the 19/20 year old guys I work with.)

-Hanging out with a pretty famous rockstar (not naming anyone) and him giving me a lift home... to my shitty little town. (Yup. Bit weird.)

-Basically having sex with a girl for the first time (Although, I wonder how you define having sex with a girl if you're a girl? I mean, unless you have a strap-on, there's not really any penetration... Help?)


On the plus side though, these small fabulous moments in my life are taking away the flailing groan of my usual tragic life.

Like Internet Dating.

Yes. Internet Dating. You heard. And yes. I'm giving the term capital letters.


To throw in some more of the usual events though, I tried to make my friend a dinosaur birthday cake. I got cocky. Cake=1 - Madison=0  

Lovers Come And Lovers Go

My lover. You know. The one with the girlfriend.

That came to an end point of late.

Not because we had some huge argument or because there was some kind of Coronation Street/Eastenders show down of all parties involved.

It was just because he didn't have time for me as well as her.

In this I'd like to state that I ended this. Not him.
I draw point to this to make it clear;

Never, ever, let a man have you hanging on.
Never be with someone who gives you less than you want.


Sorry to be a bit more of some kind of 'girl-power' ego personality than usual but you know, it's life and go suck on my dildo if you don't like it. Hmph.

Morning Wake Up

After a very late night of partying and being flirtacious I ended up in a hotel.
Now, I'd just like to let you know, this isn't one of those horror stories of 'Oh my God, I woke up with this guy and I thought he was a different guy and what was I thinking?!'

No.

Although maybe on reflection this may be more interesting....

Nope. I wake up, open the curtains to let in some light so I can find my bra.
I notice rain marks on the window. Bitcherella, I only have shorts and flip flops with me. I pull back the net curtain to try and see whether the rain is going to make me look like an absolute twat.

Hmmm.... I can't seem to tell, there's a building in front of me and not much else...

Oh wait. What. Wait.

OH CHRIST.
I dive for the bed.

Yes. Outside the window. In the opposite building are office workers. Three floors directly in line with my window. And all the office workers are facing towards their window.

Oh, did I neglect to say one small thing? Yes, yes that's right, I am naked!
A whole office has just seen me naked!

What a way to start the day...

Things My Friends Go Through

My friend started seeing a guy who had 'issues' with sex.

He named her vagina Margaret and calls his penis Derrick.

It's like an episode of Sex and The City. (The one where a middle-aged man is trying to overcome erectile disfunction.)

And like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days... Name a guy's penis if you want him to run in the opposite directon.


There was the talk as well...

'I want you to touch Derrick, do you want me to touch Margaret?'

A Tribute To My Longest Lover

Ode to Burt.

You've been there for me for nearly 6 years now.
I remember when I first met you, shiny and new. You spent time with me and my boyfriend and introduced me to new fun things.

Boyfriends have come and gone yet you've stayed with me all along.
You kept me busy when I had no one else around and didn't get upset when I left you alone.
I thought I'd hurt you so many times too but you powered on through, making sure I wasn't ever left unhappy.

Six years! You're the longest relationship I've ever had!
Nothing has ever been able to compare to you and I'm sorry for all the times I tried to replace you with something new.

You can handle my boredom, handle my frustration, handle my excitement.

I don't tell you enough Burt, but I do love you so. I'll be so sad, the day that you go.

Long live Burt, the best vibrating rabbit a girl could have.

First, Second, Third?

I was thinking about my first kiss the other day. Nothing too inspiring or thought-provoking. Not exactly a core-shaker.

However, I've just thought about my 'timeline of events' and I've just realised that actually, that can't have been my first kiss. I think I was mistaking it for my first boyfriend...
Yep, went out with the guy for 3 weeks before getting bored and finding someone new.


So what's the problem, just a little misunderstanding, understandable considering it was longer ago than last month...

Well, now trying to recall...Who the hell was my first kiss?


There was a guy I was 'going out with', nicknamed him 'Kent'. (The clue's there, I'm not giving away his identity.)
I remember we did...other stuff... Did we kiss? We must have done. Kissing comes before everything else right? Hmmm....


I realise this kind of mental block may not be an inspiring topic or even very amusing.... Who was your first kiss? Do you remember it unlike me??

Irony...

...Is when you basically just have an argument because you realise you're falling in love.

Aside from that I had a cracker of a compliment from a guy a while ago...


'It's like Lego penis and vagina.'

Well That Worked Well...

I tried in vain to have a crush on someone to distract myself from my lover....

Turned out he's only eighteen.
And 'bisexual'... Well, I think he's more gay...





Don't think I need to say anymore than that really....

A Weekend In Another World

I spent some of a recent weekend with my current love affair.

We lived the life I want.


We sat in the sunshine, we drank summer drinks, we went for dinner, we strolled through beautiful places, we kissed behind rails of clothes in shops....


So, just to turn this away from sounding like a stupidly gag-inducing post I'd like to clearly state now. We fucked.


We fucked so much we tore the sheet on the bed.... (Sorry hotel people.)




Later on, after a much needed sustenance break, we resumed with our antics.

We are just as amazing in bed as we are out of it.


And then something even more magical happens.... Remember that kiss under the fairy lights? The perfect moment for a kiss? Yep... Well, this is more magical...

He comes. While inside of me. (Yes I know this isn't something that's magical.) I'm in a kneeling position on him and he's sat up. 
He comes. And then I come. He sets me off. I almost knock him out in my shuddering orgasm. (That's the magical part.)


Something out of a novel right?
Well, what makes it more magical for me is that... I never come in sex.

This isn't down to my partners I'd like to say. I fully enjoy sex but I don't enjoy it when someone's spending their time trying to make me orgasm and I'm like, seriously, this is great but my clitoris is used to vibrating rabbit ears. Let's not spend so much time on it that it becomes awkward.

And let's face it. Who the hell wants sex that's just about one person. You might as well be masturbating. On your own.


So, in the past. There have only been two people who have achieved this magic. (Yep, decided to carry on using 'magic' as my appropriate metaphor.)

They've both been long term boyfriends.

The first, I'll just point out, was when I was 16/17.
I didn't even know what an orgasm was. And we weren't even having sex. But this happened on three separate occasions until my best friend and I had a talk and she confirmed that indeed, I'd been having orgasms. (Something that was rather an amusing in-joke between us.)


The other, last happened, sometime in 2009? Is that right? (Like I'm asking my vagina that question....)



Where this whole event gets worse is when I'm talking to one of my friends about it. (The same one who thinks my life is 'hilarious'.)
I confess that this has only happened with people I've been in love with and that even then, it was never so.....synchronised.
She gasps. (Maybe.)

'This basically means you love him!'

I protest. Of course it doesn't. I can't describe my feelings really, although I do admit that having a best friend and then having passionate sex with them does basically make it a relationship kind of feeling.
But, no! It's not like that....

She just looks at me and says 'You're in trouble.'


And of course, she's right.


Damn.

Definition of Life

One of my best friends likes to point out on regular occasions (Usually when I'm facing disastrous situations ) how 'hilarious' she finds my life.


I think the word she actually means is 'tragic'.


But it's true, it is regularly that these events happen.


Recently, my mum, my sister and I had a trip planned for a spa day (Champney's all the way). We were picking up my sister on the way and my mum and I were all packed and ready to go.




Now, my parents have long installed a strong sense of security in me and I had to endure plenty of conversations about the research of the 'best type' of doors and door handles.
You may wonder if there's much to think about with regard to door handles but my god, shapes, lengths, handle direction, thickness.... I could go on (but don't want you to realise how deeply uncool I am for knowing this stuff).

So anyway, we have some extremely secure front door that I can't really believe isn't made of titanium....
We also have the handle to match.


What the hell does this all have to do with going to a spa I hear you ask.
Well, just to go a bit further, when you have your key in the door-lock from inside the house, if you were to put a key in from the outside, it won't let you unlock the door. (This still has nothing to do with spas Madison!!)

SO, my mother had unlocked the door (from the inside) and we were walking out the door, finally (because it takes so long to get ready to go somewhere that requires no make-up, jewellery or clothes other than a bikini....).
Her phone rings. I carry on walking. Then I hear a 'Shit!'

Next thing I know I'm being eyed suspiciously by people walking by my house because I have my arm through the letter box, upto my elbow or because I'm taking my arm out of the letter box and in my hand is a re-shaped wire hanger.


Yep, I'm breaking into my own house. My mother has left her keys in the door and then closed the door.
We can not get in. Her car keys are on the set of keys also. My key won't work because her key is in the lock.

So instead I'm trying to pull down the handle with a wire coat hanger that I had to ask my neighbour for and alternating with trying to hook the keys out of the door.



Welcome to my life.

Another Day, Another Man

I got myself into a situation recently that was entirely naive of me.

I'd started talking to a mutual friend and after skyping each other for a bit he kept trying to get me to go on webcam.

Hell no! Even if I had one, right now I look like I've been on the waltzers too long, hair array, no make up, hell.

Somehow, somehow next thing I know I'm getting a small parcel in my post and trying to understand why it's such a long damn process to set up a webcam.


I spend twenty minutes getting the precise angle of hair and face and still make it black and white.

We start talking. I give it ten minutes before I decide that I look like a statue because I'm too scared to move into a wrong angle and turn it off.



I'm sure plenty of people use webcams/Skype to have their conversations, far-away couples, etc....

But

Really not for me though! My gosh, could you even imagine getting naked on one of those things? Please, it's mortifying seeing how you look while trying to move around just to get undressed, let alone actually getting off in front of someone, while seeing yourself, staring back at you....

When in person, I do enjoy some good mirror action but at least you know then that it doesn't matter what the hell you look like or what face you pull because all that matters to the person you're with is that there's a naked person in front of them waiting to be shagged. (Shagged; very English word, very 90's Hugh Grant of me.)


Moral of the story; if you want to use a webcam then get someone else to buy it for you so that when it's quickly discarded at the back of a cupboard you won't feel bad about wasting money. V. Sensible.

Week In, Week Out

Oh the wonders a week can bring.While out for a rendez-vous with a girlfriend (It was our anniversary) we'd decided to stop in on a bar, before going home, as a colleage was out for their birthday.

I'd been there for less than ten minutes (But who's counting?) when I noticed a guy sat at one of the tables.

Oh yes, I recognise that person, I'm sure it's one of Sparkle guy's friends..... Oh yes, that's it, I met him a few weeks ago....But wait.... Oh, oh yes, that would be Sparkle guy, sat there, with his back to me....


However. Sparkle guy lost his sparkle a couple of weeks ago and it turned out that he has no more sparkle than any other man. It's just very unfortunate that he happened to break my hope as a result of it.
So, like the with-it girl I am, I carried on like there was no pink elephant in the room. I sipped away at my wine (Ok, I gulped, I'd had a shock) and involved myself in the group conversation about.... Well, I wasn't really listening... I just kept my peripherol vision wide open in case he turned and noticed me.


He didn't ever turn round. And instead I started to burn holes in the back of his head by staring at it. I promptly addressed the time and urged that we should leave.

So that was a slight disaster that took me straight back up to being on edge and slightly paranoid of seeing certain individuals like this out and about.



You'd think my week couldn't get any worse right? Well, you're wrong. (Obviously, as this post is continuing.)

My working days have been lightened up dramatically by the sighting of this cute wild rabbit that I affectionately named Peter. (As in, Peter Rabbit.) (As in, not very original.)

So, I've been seeing Peter for the last few weeks. Usually on my way home from work and then I started seeing him in the mornings as well! Nibbling away at the weeds/grass (Yes, I really am talking about a real rabbit.) and doing general rabbit things.

I've started saying hello to him and he's started to get more relaxed, basking in the sun when it's shining or just by carrying on munching away at some dandelions.



Now, a couple of days ago, I was on my way home, wondering if I'd get to see my favourite rabbit (alive and fluffy type) when I realed back in horror! I shouted OH MY GOD! (so loudly that I'm quite glad no one else was around...) and my heart started pounding.

Someone had come along and cut the grass! All of it! Gone! Nothing for Peter to hide behind or underneath. Nothing for him to eat. I am distraught.

I haven't seen Peter since the grass has been cut.

I'm worried for his safety.


And that, that just topped my week off for me. I hope other people have had better things to happen or to talk about than something as pathetic yet completely unfortunately true as my weeks events?

Peace

A Walk In The Park

So.

Following on from my last post I'd just like to give you an experience I had recently.

I had a day in London with a current affair a while back. It was wonderful. Tense. Exciting.


He held my umbrella for me. Very charming. (Doesn't take a lot to impress me.)


We'd been pressed into each other's personal spaces all day. ALL DAY.

If there's one thing I do adore about the London tube system it's that. What an excuse to press up against someone. (Hell, if strange men can use it as an excuse to press against me then I'm going to use it as an excuse to press against someone I know!)

What a thriller. It's like some kind of exhibitionist tantric foreplay.


Eventually, after getting wet (in the rain), having dinner (and being the most charming couple to the waiter), drinking cocktails and the abuse of busy tube services we went down Southbank, along the river. (Romantic).

It gets worse. We get to an opening in the path and within all the bricks of the path are lots of small spotlights in blue and white (colours open to correction). There's a few benches in a kind of semi-circle and some classic, round, bushy trees. (You know the type, the ones you usually draw whenever trying to draw a tree.)
The trees have blue fairy-lights all over as well.

So, to quickly set the scene, lights, everywhere, it's dark, it's the riverside, there's not many people and it's warm.


He chooses that exact moment to pull me to one side and kiss me. Under the lights that are like stars.

Do you realise how sickeningly romantic this is? Yes, you must and what's more is that you're still reading this which means you're either just waiting for this is get funny or to a point (maybe you're reading this blog by mistake) OR you actually appreciated how romantic this is.

 

Gag.

Karma Bites

I'm going to be reincarnated into an ant in my next life.

My karma in this life is really becoming something that can't be recovered from.

I thought things were going so well. I've slowed down on drinking. Stopped fuelling the drugs trade. Stopped antagnoising jehover's witnesses....

Only one thing still doesn't seem to have become a deep issue for me...

Sleeping with other people's boyfriends.

I know. I'm a terrible person. Really. Hence the bad karma.

Now. If this was a friend's boyfriend. I could never do it. Wouldn't even think of it. Dream of it. Ponder the idea. I just want to make sure this is clearly recognised; I'm not disloyal.
In my twisted logic I just think that they should not make themselves available. Plus, if it's going to happen with me, it's just as likely to happen with anyone else.

I put myself in their position as well. And really. If I don't know the person and they stayed out of life. Well, they're just a face.




Yep. An ant. Definitely an ant. And I'll get stood on when I've just carried a small piece of dirt for a mile.

DEALBREAKER

You can’t get hard

Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis.


I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…





I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.





-Written by twogirlsonecup (Courtesy of http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/)

Mess Of Words. Clash.

I'm not going to lie to you all. (All, I say that like there's more than one person reading.)

Anyway, I'm not going to lie. I am terrible at keeping on task/updating/doing anything productive.
I actually have two posts, half written, in my drafts, waiting to be finished off. Signed off with a dot if you will. (Yep, just made up an expression of my own.)


It was recently my birthday anyway. I can't say my perspective and outlook on life has dramatically improved, have to say.

I did leave my sunglasses down south though.

Yes. I did fly the nest to visit pastures new.


(Well, I certainly seem to be speaking like an elderly person.)

I have to say as well, I co-hosted a radio show last week. Very exciting right?! (No, still not famous.) (Our mums are our biggest fans.)

Anyway, I came out with these two cracking sentiments;

'Tallyhoe ol' chap!'

And

'Give it some welly!'

So yeah, beginning to think I'm absolutely ready for a life of cats already.....



In other news. I finally had sex! Not a huge deal, not like it was my first time....with that person.
I needed it. Let's just say that.

Sorry to be so crude but to be honest, the relationship I've had with my vibrator of late has been very turbulent and I think it's really happy that I've finally given it a break. I genuinely feel disliked by my own toys.



Anyway, there was less of a point to this post. Many things have been happening recently that I really need to construct into some good group of words.
Like Dreamy guy. I have mentionned him before. He's dreamy. He makes me swoon. I got to see him. But I will talk about this another day!!

Just A Thought...

In this day and age, why are women still labelled as 'Miss' and 'Mrs' yet men have no such devide?


DISLIKE.

Love And Other Things

Well, first of all, on a love-related note....

Sorry, did I say love? What a joke.

The one person I love doesn't have enough balls to be in a relationship. He's had his chance.

And the one person who I could fall in love with... well, I'm not sure for sure but I'm pretty confident that he's not into the idea either.

And I've cut both of them off. I'm not stupid, I know the way to find out where you stand. Don't contact them, be off the visor and see what happens.... (Doesn't mean I have to like to results.)


So, my relationship is with my vibrator. And it isn't even a great relationship.

I demand it after weeks of not giving him any care or attention (Yep, decided it's a male vibrator.) and then use and abuse him until his batteries have worn down.

This mainly equates to about ten times in a row until both him and me are shuddering and worn out.


I've also agreed once more to an attempt of someone to set me up. Now, if anyone has read my previous posts, you'll know that I have completely written off the idea of being set up, many a time.

Why now? I'm bad at saying no. Really. Bad.

I've also protested that this double-date affair is going to be a non-date. No mention of any kind of set-up or date or being single or relationship, etc, etc, etc.



Yep. I think I've fallen for it once again haven't I? Totally being conned aren't I? Great.

In Between....

Post coming up about when you get too old to get away with certain things....
Very much leading on from the last post in terms of speculation.

But. With more appealing topics that my sunglasses and my bike.


P.S. I have a man update that I need to tell all about.

Also, I wonder how crude I could get on this blog.... Would people be offended if occasionally I was a little more explicit??

She Wore Pink Sunglasses

I've decided my tool to surviving the roads when cycling (Yep, still haven't evolved past the piece of scrap metal.) is my sunglasses.

They're wonderful. Pink hearts with darkened lenses. I purchased them from Portabello Road market a few years ago (therefore, they're vintage, right??) for a modest amount of money.


So, what's so special about these glasses I hear you ask. Do they have rearview mirrors attached? Have a pop up sign attached, warning people of my bad skill of staying in a straight line? Blow smoke signals? Blind drivers into stopping for me?

Nope. They're just pink heart, sunglasses. My 7 month old niece pulls them off rather well actually.

(If she was bigger then I'd definitely go as far as to say they'd look better on her than me.)


So these glasses are not magic. But. They lull people into the illusion that I'm younger than I am. They see bright, shaped glasses on a pink bike (didn't I mention that before?) and immediately '7 year old' springs to their mind. This means people stop for me, let me pass and generally are a lot more patient with my speed and slow progress.
I don't wear them purely for this reason though. I actually like to kid myself that they make me look cute. In an ever-so-ironic way.

It makes me wonder though, when do you stop being able to get away with these things? Are you ok to take on child-like qualities (and dress sense) until you're 25? 30? 40??

I think this may take longer to explore....

I want Audrey Hepburn's eyebrows

Sentimental Mumbo-Jumbo (There Might Be A Point In There Somewhere)

Although it would be more than fitting if I were to drive a beautifully sleek convertible car, I'm afraid to say that actually, my way of getting to work... is cycling.

Now, I'd love to make out that this is down to being a super, mega, ethical, eco-babe.

It's not.


So this week, so far, I've cycled 74 miles. This sounds a lot but actually it's clearly not enough to shift my few extra pounds I have floating around my hips.

Anyway, this wasn't a post to complain about my personal body image. It was actually to rejoice on my motivational will-power to cycle that far everyday.

I'm not going to lie, it's not the most dignified of activities...slogging up a hill... holding on for dear life when going down a hill....

But it is feel-good. And the wind in my face (when it's not blowing bits of tree or flies into my mouth) feels amazing, freeing, just like I'm flying.

It's just something that really is....wonderful.

Definition Of Glamour?

I'm wearing one sock and one slipper. It's a glamorous life I lead....

I Have A Love/Hate Relationship With.... Me?

I hate washing my hair.
I love having shaved legs.
I love having a minimal amount of pubic hair.
I hate having any more pubic hair than a Brazillian.
I love to masturbate to certain songs.
I love wearing skirts.
I love having deep, hot, baths and fully immersing myself in the water.
I love hearing the rain on my window when I'm in bed.
I hate watching the news.
I love putting on perfume before I go to bed.

R.I.P Burt

Think my fave vibrator has given up the will to live :(

I Dream A Dream....

I've recently come to describing a certain person, in my head, as dreamy.
(May I clearly point out, I'm calling them dreamy in my head- The person is not in my head).

I see his face and I literally swoon. I don't even know how to describe the act of swooning... Perhaps as a mix of swooping and groaning?

But dreamy? What point in madness must a girl be at when she's calling a guy, American Style, 'Dreamy'?

Maybe it means that I've had a brain-transplant with Barbie? And don't get me wrong, I love Barbie. I have her as a friend on FB, she's lovely. But that's how she describes Ken.

Maybe it means he's the guy for me? Or maybe it's just lust. I don't think I've been in lust for a long time...

OR, maybe it's that, finally, after all this time, I've actually lost my marbles.


Yup, that seems more likely.

Mars? Venus? Maybe Just Earth?

Men are easy creatures to figure out. I think where people, women, go wrong is that they (women) over-complicate them (men).

I mean really, I think the only frustrating thing is that sometimes I know what a man's thinking before even he realises it. Then it becomes tricky.

In all though, I find 'I thought so' a better phrase than 'I told you so'.
No one likes this phrase. No one wants to be under the impression that someone else thinks they can run your life better than you. (Although, let's face it, as an outsider, things are so much easier!)

Yes, wouldn't things be easier if there was a part of you that could see it from the outside. Truly see it. Not any of this 'What would I do if someone else was in this situation'. No. Proper outside perspective.

But then again, I'm not so sure I like the thought of telling myself 'I thought so.' Ignoring someone else is one thing but yourself?

Perhaps that's really why men and women are thought to be parts of a whole. You need someone else to tell you 'I thought so!'


P.S. Dear readers. I'm sorry for my lack of inspiration. My single-girl self has been lost in a relationship. I thought I could keep up the pretence but unfortunately, like my cleavage, this is one thing I can't fake. I promise to do better if you give me another chance. Madison.

Oh QVC, My Friend....

With my exciting day I'm basking in the warmth in my living room with lots of tea. And watching QVC.

Yep. my life is so exciting that I seek QVC for amusement.
Birkenstock show. In my opinion Birkenstock's are the most unattractive shoe in the world. After those hideous rubber clog creations; Crocks.

The model has a short big toe. Her other toes are shooting off into a different shoe size. It's really disturbing for me to watch. Like, so bad that you're compelled to watch?

I have this longing desire to go to Paris and smoke long, thin cigarettes...

One Potato, Two Potato.... Potato's? I Was Talking About Men.....

I'm beginning to think that my love life is destined to be disastrous.

After holding out for the one man who makes me tingle, you know, the one you think might be the one of all ones, things take a dip...

Just as I'm becoming acclimatised to the idea of Mr Tingle being no more than an illusion, a mere mirage in the desert so-to-speak, well, of course! Suddenly everything becomes more complicated than trying to understand a family tree on Jeremy Kyle.

That's right, another man comes along....

And he... he makes me swoon... Yes, like a princess in a fairytale. Or, a more modern version; like a girl finding a gentleman who holds doors open for her and such. (Yes, this is my weak spot- someone with old fashioned manners) (Can I live in the 50's please?)

So, this guy, he's like Mr Sparkle. He is more than a shining star. He is beautiful, like the North Star in some kind of other-worldly, religious symbolism, angel way.

'What's the problem?!' I hear you say.  'You've got another man, a wonderful one, everything worked out!'

Well, let me tell you, I wouldn't be writing about all this if everything had 'worked out'.
No, because just as I start to think that, guess what happens?

Oh yes! Mr Tingle comes bounding straight back into my life with more charm and gentleman-like qualities than I've seen in years.

And quite simply, I have no idea what to do.

So, there's no nice end point to this entry because, well, who knows what's going to happen? (Please, if someone knows, tell me!)
As they say in American; 'Stay Tuned!'

My friends have started to note that I've been single a long time. They want me to fall in love. Bless.

Equal??

This picture spurred me on a long thought train.


When I first saw it I kind of wanted to be amused by it, as it is kinda true.However, I also wanted to be offended by it, it's almost like it's saying 'It doesn't matter what the hell we do, it'll never be right for womankind.'

It’s strange because sexism isn’t about being the dominant sex, it’s about equality.


I do wonder though, how can this ever be achieved?


There’s no such thing as equality in some parts of life between male and females;
Only females can get pregnant. This is one huge imbalance that can’t be changed. And even if we could choose who carries the baby, someone is still on a different platform regardless of whether it’s the male or female.


With relation to this image I believe that when it comes to love, lust, romance, sex, there is never true equality. In lust and definitely sex, it’s a constant power struggle.

Even when a couple marry and ‘balance’ each other. They’re still not truly equal are they?
We compliment each other and essentially become a yin-yang, seperate but as one.


I just think true equality is a ridiculous and impossible dream.

Men and women are not the same, we do not think the same and we are physically not the same.

Secret Messaging?

Just a quick one....
One thing that doesn't seem to have any 'unwritten rules' that I feel is rather amusing is this:

What is the etiquette on how many kisses to put at the end of a message?
Does there need to be any etiquette? Is it completely insignificant? (NO!) Does everyone just stumble around (so-to-speak) and hope they don't look needy or uninterested? (Am I the only one who wonders this?)



P.S. I am in the middle of writing a longer post, I promise it'll be up soon! (Like anyone religiously reads this anyway *rolls eyes*)

Sex On The Third Date...

Unfortunately I have had little humour in the past while due to working extremely anti-social hours.
I do figure that I need to really update though.

So, to give you the scenario I present one of my friends.She committed the ultimate cardinal sin and slept with a co-worker at the work Christmas do.

Yes. Total cliche/typical.

(When she told me initially I almost fell over laughing.)
(It gets worse.)

She then tells me that she's been hiding behind towels and other such displays all day. Groan.


The next day she tells me they're going on a date.

Yep, her thoughts, just like mine are that; What the hell do you do on a date?!
We are English girls. There are no rules for us English.

We have the usual American ones; don't sleep with a guy on the first date, don't talk about ex's til the third date, don't eat something messy, don't talk too much about yourself, yadda yadda yadda.

But we don't really follow this.
Us English folk like to do things the opposite way. We like to be silly and stupid. If things are too formal and planned it becomes monotonous and dull.

Also how boring is it when you feel like you want to really have a connection with someone and it just becomes so forced?

It goes against every 'dating rule' but to sleep with a guy initally and then get to know them just seems like the best way round.
You find out you have chemistry, the chemistry leads to sex that leads to connection-like hormones being released and instantly all awkwardness is out the window. You don't have to worry about how to act because now you can be completely yourself.

This may sound completely wrong and devoid of any sense but if it doesn't feel right initially then it won't be right.

The point I'm trying to make is;

We shouldn't be acting or forcing anything and we should be trusting our instincts a lot more.