Yaaaay

I finally got round to renewing my sex toy testing membership and got sent my first one to test last weekend. Only issue now? Oh yeah. It doesn't fucking work!

I need to buy new batteries :(

Playing For The Other Team

Hola!

Yes, I realise it's been a short while since I last updated. I've been a busy bee keeping up with my work.

Of late I've given the other side of the camera a go. Yes. I have become Model De Jour. Haha.
No, really.

To be clear, I don't believe for one minute that I could ever be an actual model (although, compared to some of the people out there that call themselves 'models' I'm like Agness Deyn) so there won't be any new career aspirations for me in the future.
No, that kind of under-the-microscope scrutiny of each and every flaw that I have is not for me and not only can it be a mental pain but a physical one as well. Do you know how much work it is to contort, elongate, stretch and enhance your body? All whilst usually balancing in heels?

I didn't go into it toe first either. Straight into the deep end in underwear and suspenders! And then nothing but some tights and a belt....
Don't even get me started on the latex gloves. I have no idea how people wear dresses made of the stuff! It took me about twenty minutes to get them up my arms and then soon after they started cutting off my blood circulation....I had marks on my arms that looked like I'd be self harming for about a week afterwards.


Anyway, apart from all the negatives of posing in front of a camera it's quite fun to have all the attention on me I suppose and I like having end results that I can look back on in years to come and think 'Damn, I had a great body!'

Lost and Found

I seem to have lost my ex-boyfriend. Could somebody please find him for me?

Attire For Life

Trying to indulge my consumerist addiction on yoox.com and came across these D&G trousers....

Personally I wouldn't wear them but what got my attention was the description that came with it:

D&G

Casual Trousers

Erm, dude, I'm pretty sure these aren't casual trousers...
Yeah, I'm just gonna get some milk from the supermarket and when I'm back I'm gonna plant those flowers I've had for a while. Yeah. In my sequin trousers. What of it? They're casual.

Alice Dellal Pour Chanel

I haven't had a spelling lapse, just thought I'd write it in the language of Coco....

I just had to have a (controversial) rant about Alice Dellal for Chanel (below). Everyone's raving about how amazing it is, inclusive of laddered and holes in tights, blah, blah, blah.

But. Coco Chanel would never have had holes in her tights! Let alone let it near her fashion line!
Come on, Chanel! What were you thinking?

Adults In The Playground (Slight Rant Ending Warning )

I found myself waiting (waitressing) on a woman yesterday evening that I soon found out to be a total bitch.

My manager had informed me that we needed to take a drink off her bill on behalf of the General Manager because she'd recently put into a complaint to head office about the cleanliness of the toilets there. (Of course she hadn't actually bothered to mention it to the manager of our place. No. Because that would be the logical thing to do wouldn't it?)

Anyway. I bust my ass (excuse the expression-Fawlty Towers reference) making sure she and her friends had a good meal (although later was unsure why...).

Sounds a bit like a boring rant I know but this is where things started to click for me. My manager had named the woman to me and it rang a bell in my mind. Oh yes. Yes. She was the mother of a girl who I went to school with.... A girl who was a complete bitch.

Yep, this two faced nature of not talking about a problem with the person actually involved/responsible was like having a back and forth deja-vu. I could see clearly now where this girl had got her snide streak from- Her mother.

When you're at school you think that you won't have to be involved with these people anymore. It's fine, you think, I won't have to see them and experience this pettyness anymore!
And then you have to serve their mother in a restaurant and it's like being back in the playground all over again.

I do realise that it doesn't sound like a complete bitch of a thing for this woman to do but it's everything else around it that I won't go in to otherwise I'll just be writing a detailed entry about my shift at work.

Anyway. To back up my annoyance with this. She tipped me 2.5%. That's two point five percent. *



*It's a huge insult to any member of waiting staff to be tipped so poorly (unless you've actually been shit) - I'd prefer to earn no service than a meagre amount. A tip is meant to be given for good service so to be given a  really poor tip (not just a bit below 10% but way below) is like being told you've given bad service. If someone doesn't tip at all you can brush it off that they're just people who don't tip at all no matter how good the service is and some people can tip you in a non-financial way by just being so damn nice and non-demanding.

Degrade Yourself

I've always had quite an undecided opinion on the topic of what constitutes as 'degrading yourself', particularly when it comes to porn/having sex/nude modeling, etc.

I'm stuck somewhere between two poles of agreeing that if you're in control of a situation then to make money from it is your perogotive...if you can make money from the weakness of a man/woman then who can call that degrading? Who's the one paying to see something?
The other end is a very uneasy feeling that comes from the traditionalist view that your body is a temple. Stemming from the belief that only someone you love (potentially marry if we're going that far into it) should have the opportunity to see your body.


A quote from Pure Filth magazine (roughly):


'I don't think it's degrading when I'm lying next to a pool, in the sunshine, with a hot girl going down on me and I'm getting paid for it.'

It sounds awesome. Although I have also heard stories involving multiple pissing scenes on freezing cold sets and ending up with a kidney infection...

I have to say though, who doesn't have bad days with their job?

Anyway. I came further on in forming my opinion today while in the shower (think tank).

If a band 'go mainstream' then they 'lose respect' from people for supposedly making music for the sake of making money and not because they're making something because it's what they're creating. Degrading themselves.

If an artist becomes 'mainstream' and makes art to make money and not because they want to express something then they lose respect from their peers. They are degrading themselves.

So I guess in a way, having sex for money or baring your body for money, if we're going along in the same way, means that you are degrading yourself.

But you know what. Those muscians, those artists and those people are making a living for themselves doing something that they enjoy and there are a hell of a lot of people that would be damn pissed off without them around.

Lyric Time Fun

If you want me,
You're gonna have to catch me ,
If you wanna touch my ****
And if you catch me,
You're gonna have to show me,
How bad you really want my ****

Sorry for the slightly lame lyrics thiiing. I'm not usually one to cheat using lyrics to describe my thoughts.
I am in terrible need of some kind of relief though. Sexual frustration is so high that I'm resorting to eating a lot instead. I've eaten so many sweets that my eyes are watering.
My body can probably only withstand this for about another day I estimate.


Now. Just going to finish off my Champagne before I go to bed.

Summers Past and Present

Days like this today just remind me of the time I spent as a teenager hanging out at a big park.

I wrote about these days in some detail as it was going on. One day I intended to turn it into a novel. Until I forgot everything....

'“Oh Suzy, you’re such a fucking bitch, if you lived in the sixteenth century, they’d burn you as a witch. Oh Suzy, you’re such a fucking whore, if you mess with me again, you’ll burn in hell for sure.” Shelly, Sophie, Anna and I all sung along to Gary as he sung the song he wrote himself against an acoustic guitar about an ex girlfriend.'


God those days seem so long ago. The same days when all I used to do was buy underwear (okay, not much change there) and my gay best friend would rummage through my bags, hold a g-string up and loudly exclaim, 'You could slice cheese with this!'

And I enjoyed fawning over cute boys a lot and wanting to kiss them.
Yeah. Actually this still sounds like my life now....

Lynx For Women

Dear lord, what fresh hell is this?

Lynx for WOMEN. I can't imagine how a fragrance that appears to be made for men by men can translate into a women's fragrance...

As I got Tweeted today; Lynx is for boys who want to cover up the smell of masturbating in their room.

Well said.

Epidemic In The Porn World

I recently caught up with one of my friends who works in porn and while I was with her she got the news that throat gonorrhea was spreading around the industry.

A girl who works as an escort outside of porn had been giving unprotected blow jobs to the men she sees.
Within two weeks, most of the porn community needed to be treated for the infection from being exposed to it.

I'm aware of how quickly viruses can be contracted but to see it in terms of people having to call all the people they've worked with telling them to be treated... I guess it's strange to see the amount of time it took to inform the relevant people. What if you had to call everyone you'd touched in the last week because you'd contracted flu?

Anyway, I got to learn about gonorrhea. Which I suppose may be usueful in the future... I didn't even know you could contract it in the throat or indeed, different places...
Questions were googled such as; How long does it take after you've had sex with someone with the infection before you're 'contagious'? (Straight Away.) Can you get throat gonorrhea from someone just by kissing them? (Yes but it has to be a deep kiss and a long one...) How long do you have to wait to have sex again after being treated? (A week but you should wait to be re-tested to confirm the treatment has worked.)

So the porn industry are all semi-out of action now for a couple of weeks and I'm just glad I don't have to go through the treatment! (An injection in your bum and a load of anti-biotics.)


Just remember how easy it is to contract something.

Stay safe.

Men Are Like Buses

Men are like buses. None at all and then several at once. V frustrating.

Especially with the reappearance of my ex. He'd be the equivalent of a bus turning up that's not going where I want to go.

So. The Ex. He's trying to turn his charm onto me. Playing the wounded soldier.
I couldn't go back though. I re-thought my stance on having children for him when he suddenly announced that he definitely wanted kids in his future.
Are you crazy Madison??!
Yes, yes I was. Crazy in love. Blergh. I'd never reconsidered this before.
Although, it'd never been an issue before as none of my previous exes had ever wanted children either.

Thankfully though, I won't be falling for it this time! Oh, no! He can hold onto his phone number and I'll hold onto my eggs. Ta.

Everytime I See or Hear Someone Giving Birth On TV.....

....It makes my fallopian tubes tie themselves in a knot.

To Die By Your Side Is Such A Heavenly Way To Die...

I used to think that love would be something that would come easily.
It did come easily.
I've fallen in love several times, each time more intense than the last. Each time realising that love isn't something that just happens, just like happiness isn't something that just happens... It continues and it either grows or wilts and fades away...

My parents for instance. They were my true life fairytale.
Met at a New Years party.
My mother was there feeling a bit down, she'd recently been dumped by her fiancee, the supposed love of her life.
My father was ten years older than her.
Less than eleven months later they're getting married and my mother is already 2 months pregnant with my sister.... (I'm not going to say the figures but they're almost at their ruby anniversary now )

I thought this was true love. Fast, intense and lasting.
Until one day I asked my parents how my dad had proposed.... Expecting some grand story I was severely disappointed....
Dad: I didn't ask her to marry me...
Me: What do you mean?!
Mum: Well, we just decided to get married.
Me: You...decided?
Dad: Yes, we wanted to run a pub together and in those days you had to be married.
Me: ....

Pretty much the day when my dreams were shot down.
Anyhow. I soon realised that love isn't really as simple as everyone would like you to believe.

Like now. I want to be with someone so desperately. It just isn't that simple...

Old. Young. New. Love.

Le Sigh.

Loving someone is a right old pain in the ass sometimes... I'm sure I could come up with a thousand different song lyrics to express myself right now but A) I'm not a teenage girl and B) He wouldn't like any of the songs I'd use anyway...

In other news, I'm working with a 52 year old model tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how to gauge this... I'm definitely not an anti-ageist when it comes to models but I have seen a few who definitely don't seem to be in the right field and this being a boudoir photoshoot I wonder how this will go.

Time to be enlightened!

Seeing Your Estranged Ex....

....brings about the same feelings as when there are people on a train near you punching walls, swearing and shouting abuse at people...

I don't think I need to explain further?

Forgive Me For Valentine's Day....

Had a typically clichéd girl Valentine's Day. Was actually rather unintentional.

We were like Lady and the Tramp but instead of Spaghetti Meatballs we had Curly Fries.
We sipped pink Champagne (until we ran out and reverted to boxed white wine) and ate sweets while watching that new Keira Knightly movie with all the spanking scenes... V lovely.

By the time we'd watched the film the Champagne was gone and I told my girl about those unfortunate movies I'd found (refer to last blog post).

People might think that we engage in strange activities together but it's actually one of my favourite ways to spend time...
We find strange porn to watch ('Having Sex With Virgin Melon'), funny vintage porn (70's hairdo's-top and bottom), look through blogs full of mens penis's and mock/laugh/admire (has, has he got a triangle shaped penis??) and generally have a catch up over general going's on ('Vikki Blows's breasts look so much bigger in this years calendar than last years-has she had a boob job?).

So naturally we decided it would be a great idea to check out a couple of these awful titled films. (Again, refer to previous post; http://madisonlachapelle.blogspot.com/2012/02/some-absurd-movies.html)

The first movie; 'Forgive Me For Raping You' is about a priest, who I believe is eventually revealed as someone imitating a priest (we were skipping through the whole thing).
He uses his power to pretend he's 'healing' or 'treating' women and rapes them and then asks afterwards 'Will you forgive me for raping you?' Bad enough until he then decides to kill them by strangling them. Nice.
Lowest and most absurb point of the film is when he just 'happens' to drive past a house where he notices a dodgy character leave through the back door.
Entering the house he finds a girl tied up and gagged where she has just been raped (Conveniant). He makes her carry out some sexual act claiming that he can't rape her because he doesn't want to be 'dirtied' by another man's...residue.
After he de-gags her she explains that her first rapist actually made her sit in a bath afterwards to get rid of his DNA or something (Scientifically incorrect as well as an ethical monstrosity). After this admission he revels in the joy that he can now rape her without getting dirty. Hurrah for him. Then kills her.

After that disturbing waste of digital space we decided to go onto something a little more adsurb and potentially more amusing. Cue; Slow Torture Puke Chamber.
This was little more amusing. Based on a porn star with bulimia on the verge of coming back from actual hell (the place where satan resides).
There's a lot of weird puking scenes with some added weeing-in-a-tub parts (I don't really get where the piss comes into it...) (Apart from maybe, taking the...)
The whole film ends up a bit like 'A Siberian Film'...someone gives birth, the baby is killed, raped and eaten. At this stage I was skipping through the movie as quickly as I could because it was just a bit much for me to stomach after all that junk food. Blah, blah, blah, the ending was a blur....

Some Absurd Movies....

I've had a packed couple of weeks, working my ass off and as a result for the last week have had the worst cold/flu that I've had in forever (sympathy please).

Despite this I've still had to continue working my ass off (a girl's work is never done, right) and have been travelling round the country worrying the commuters that I'm going to give them something... (If I was going to give them anything it would be a sharp jab to the side for invading my personal space and knocking into me constantly.)

So my usual Monday off is consisting of me trying to get to my healthy state once more....
I did a big workout this morning (V dull) to try and sweat the last of it out... Consequently I then just got tired and decided to eat a pack of biscuits and find a film to watch in bed.

Unfortunately, finding a film has been a bit of struggle as these are just a couple of awful movie titles I've come across today while looking for one;

Burlesque Massacre - Self Explanatory
Stripperland - Murder and Strippers
Bunnyman - A psycho killer, you got it, dressed as a 'bunny'
Rent A Car - Movie about, yep, renting a car.
Strip Club Slasher - Pretty much the same as the first two movies...
Zombie Christ - Yes, as it sounds... the front cover is Jesus Christ on the cross as a skeleton...
Forgive Me For Raping You - About a priest. This isn't even porn so words  can't even forgive this title...
Slow Torture Puke Chamber - I kid you not...

Reasons To Love Valentine's Day (Yes, that's what I said)

Yes, you read correctly. Reasons to love Valentine's Day. Pun not intended.

Although 'love' may be a bit on the extreme side. 'Reasons to be happy about Valentine's Day' doesn't have the same ring to it though....

I realise that being the Queen of cliché, it's a greater prediction that I was to write something Anti-Valentine's but I do like to keep people guessing :D

• Starting off with an easy one; it's a great economic boost! All those people, spending money on hotels, flowers, chocolate and other temporary gifts.... What's good for businesses is that even the (slightly bitter) single folk spend money on gifts to oneself.
  Let's face it, this may not be too interesting but it's got to be better than hearing news reporters talking about banker's bonuses all the time....
• You know those really annoying couples that you see out who are having massive PDA's? (Public Display of Affection) You know the ones. They're there when you're eating out, when you're on public transport, when you're queuing for your milk... Oh, and they're the ones who can't bare to break their linked arms/hands when you're walking down the street and there's only room for two people on the pavement and somehow you end up almost getting run over...
  Well. On Valentine's Day, you know they're going to be there! You are prepared for their constant need to be joined in some way and can be completely aware that you're going to be surrounded by them in any public place. You might even be able to plan around this by having a duvet day and surrounding yourself with violent slasher movies instead and laughing manicly when someone gets killed because they've risked themselves for their significant other.
• If you are one of those really bitter people who hate couples/anything linked with a romantic inclination then for one day people kind of expect you to be bitter. And therefore you can get away with it. It's like how the elderly can get away with being grumpy. It's acceptable.
• There's offers on chocolate everywhere.
• And wine/Champagne.
• Gifts. If you're single, you don't have to worry about buying anyone a present. If you're in a relationship then Valentine's Gifts are the easiest of the whole year... Even if you're broke you only have to draw up a handmade 'sex coupon' and pick some flowers and you're the most thoughtful person ever!
• On a more sensible note, this 'Saint's' Day is probably the best celebrated of the year in England.
  We have St. Patrick's Day; An excuse for drinking, St. George's Day; Not really celebrated, St. Nicolas's Day (Christmas); Not really about St. Nicolas, let's face it. But St. Valentine.. He was a hero! Marrying young men in secret when there was a ban on marriage*. That's something to celebrate and think about!
  
  
  *Even though there is no concrete evidence in history to support this notion, it's still a nice legend behind the Saint.

Cat Watching To Bird Watching....

I'm wondering if being a 'crazy cat lady' isn't the worst fate to have.

I wave at a cat outside the window and my mother screeches at me;
'No! You'll scare the Robins!'
Bird watching? Really? Is that what comes when you get bored of cats?

One more thing too worry about getting old...

To Sex Or Not To Sex?

I was made to think recently about my vivid sex life and what's worse, was made to question it.

I don't have my beliefs questioned too often so it's not something I have to contend with much; I'm friends with like-minded, lovely people, I work for an industry that is based around sex, I grew up reading Cosmopolitan and Scarlet magazine, telling me it was okay to like sex. Having an orgasm is not a bad thing!

On this instance though I had to tune into my pro-feminism mind and reassess my actions, asking myself things such as;

-Why have I had sex with the number of people I have?

-Surely it's inevitable that people rack up a certain amount of sexual partners if you haven't been in a long-term relationship?

-When I'm starting to see someone, why is sex included so quickly?

-Do I think sex is an emotionless act?

I'm, obviously, not the kind of person to treasure sex as a sacred thing between two people to be betroved and I'm doubtless that I have been exposed to such an amount of sexual content in media that I've been desensitised to some extent.

However, this does not mean that I go around screwing anything with a pulse, that I am any less of a person than anyone else, that I am not to be trusted, that I am inconsistant or can't commit and that I don't care about the person who I have sex with, amongst other horrendous assumptions.

Not only do I get labelled with these assumptions because of the quantity of people I've had sexual relations with but because, worst of all, I talk about it.
(To be clear, when talking about it, no one would really know if I was talking about my experiences with the same person or whether my experiences were with different people.)

Yes. I talk about sex. With my girlfriends I talk about funny things that happen, about when odd things happen, when things happen in general!

With anybody I will happily reference sex, happily be open that I masturbate (This is never an issue for men and they even go as far as to say 'I'm going for a wank'.), that I used to test Sex Toys (it's a job that people have to do!), happy to correct common generalisations about how females view sex...
I just don't understand how in this day and age, where we talk about drugs, murder, global warming, war and where songs, that are frequently aimed at the generation of people who partaking in sex is illegal for, are littered with sexual innuendos, how it is still taboo/looked down on for a twenty-something girl to talk about her sexual encounters.

I feel like it's almost like religion... We're all happy to live together, happy that other people have different beliefs but some individuals ruin it by choosing to enforce their beliefs onto other people.

Anyway, this single girl is no longer single (sorry), so once again I can be put in the 'can be trusted' box....

Either way, I'm not going to stop being who I am. People can see me as some kind of insensitive and callous person but I know I'm just a wild, free-spirit.
I know I follow my heart and at the end of the day, your heart still connects to your clitoris!

I bought my first Wonderbra....

...I'm wondering if I can go round saying 'Hello Boys' in a seductive manner now?

New Years Ass

I worked last night so was consequently bored out of my mind all night.

I amused myself by keeping at a carefully balanced high of American sweets, vodka, Champage, beer and Red Bull....

Got home around 2.30am and after having a shower decided it would be a good time to change my sheets and flip my mattress....

After almost breaking about twenty things in process of said mattress flipping, I finished my sheets and crawled into bed just before 4am. Erg.

Happy New Year!