I need to get my single girl shit together.

One Extreme To The Next

My life is laughable at the moment.

Last weekend I spent Bonfire night in a porn studio. (SheBang.TV FYI)
For six hours I was with two naked girls.
One with implants, blonde extensions, tanned skin. The typical 'porn babe' and the other a beautiful, innocent-blue eyed, black hair with a tiny waist.

I was almost hanging out naked as well just because it was so insanely hot in there.

I was working (doing make-up) until gone 2am. One of the girls put an indoor sparkler (safety first) in herself (/up herself?) which was rather entertaining.

At one point I did wonder to myself what the etiquette was for sitting in a porn studio...
I mean, I got rather bored a couple of hours in and kinda wanted to read a magazine but I thought to myself, would that be rude?


Anyway. A few hours later I was awake again, travelling back from London. Already tired. Already consumed half my daily calories with a McDonalds breakfast.
I get to my usual job....

'Can I have some mint sauce with my chicken please' (Yes, I've made that more polite than the actual request)
'My kids are hungry, where's our food?'
'Do you have sour cream?' (No.)
'I don't have a yorkshire pudding.'

Are you kidding me?! 12 hours ago I was rubbing foundation into someone's pubic region and now I have to deal with you morons?!

My life, ladies and gentleman. Ever a pleasure.

Internet Dating... Really?

Going on a dating website.

Yes. I dared to go on this stupid adventure. Again.
Uh-huh, you heard. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone down this road.

What possessed me this time? Well I wish it was some kind of dramatic event that scared me into believing I was destined for a life of being Miss Haversham. It wasn’t.



(I was bored.)

This time I decided to use it to a slight creative advantage though and so thought I’d collate  me of the amusing rubbish I got sent...(With my comments)

User: Bromleyboi
Message:Ur ass here now lol


Right. Why are you including Avril Lavigne spelling in your username. Seriously. What’s wrong with you? And do you think putting a ‘lol’ at the end is meant to make me laugh also and see your message as ‘cheeky’ and endearing?

User: samdabest
Message: I'm doing survey at the moment and my message can be cheeky for you. But if you sensibly answer me, it will make my life easier.

Question:Why you cover your breast if it is made to be shown off at some point?

Another great username. ‘Da.’ ‘Da Best.’ Do I even need to comment on this? Who the eff says that apart from someone who wants to be Ali G?I had to use some great restraint to not reply asking how on earth breasts are made to be shown off? For a start, I thought they were ‘made’ to hold milk. So to be honest, your question creates thoughts in my head that I don’t even want to entertain.

Lazydave- 'I'm not gonna lie, you have definitely a fuller profile than most and all that I notice from it is that you think that a date involves going skydiving!

I can only presume that someone asked you to do this as a date, and it shows that clearly they're an idiot. I can honestly say that I wouldn't ask you on a skydiving date, because I'm not retarded, I can only promise that I would be a slightly above average conversationalist. And since you have already seen what I look like from my pics, I can't argue that I'm stunning, I'm generic at best.
So with your expectations set at a reasonable level, how would you go about becoming a make up artist?'

Why, oh why, why, why, why on earth would you degrade yourself so much when trying to get someone’s attention. I’d like to know if this person ever gets any replies from this…

'Hey how are you tonight photography's fun never done it but my mate is constantly taking photos he's obsessed I have told him to shove his camera somewhere once or twice haha.'


You think photography’s fun? But you’ve never done it? So what about it do you find fun? Are you perhaps just trying your best to relate to one of my interests? Yes? Thought so.

HeartbrokenandSingle

Just the username for this one. His profile and message matched as expected. Yes. He’s just got out of a long-term, serious relationship. Who the hell wants to get involved with someone who’s pining for another girl?!

'IV just come out of prison so this is new to me I went in for something petty tbh but it taught me u can never have to many friend and I'm a nice Guy even fellow in mates said the same and friends say I treat women to good after everything IV Bern through with them hope to hear from u xx'

I admire the honesty, really I do. But not enough to actually reply. Why would you tell someone this in a first message?!
How are you even meant to reply to something like that? ‘Yes, I’ve heard prison isn’t a great place to be. What were you in for? I’d love to meet you soon and talk about it….’

'hey sweets u ok,
ohh love ya pic xso wat race are u then? X'

Erm. To explain. The dating site has a line that states your ethnicity. My name is Madison. I’m caucasion. It’s pretty clear what race I am. If I could face palm in reply to a message. I would.

'wow! If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction just for looking hot like this lol'

This one’s just for the chat up line… And this one;
'Hope you don't mind me messaging you but you caught my eye.. don't worry its not hurt so no need to call a doctor lol.'


'hey there gawjus u okay???? i just looked at ure pic an i thought wow ure gawjus an thought that u deserve to no, and how cum ure on here cuz sureley u havnt got a problem pulling lads lol x'

OH MY GOD. Why can’t you spell?! Why have you just spelt gorgeous like that more than once! I deserve to ‘no’ I’m ‘gawjus’? Well thank you sooo much. I really, really appreciate that information. Thank you for letting me know!
P.S. ‘Pulling lads’ is one thing, finding someone who can hold a conversation is another.

'Hey. you prob get so many messages on here so not sure what to put to make you interested in me but here goes!!!
I'm dan I'm 23 from
Reading! Im a pretty laid back and chilled out guy. What sort of guy you looking for on here? You seem a really nice
girl so take a look on my profile
and if you like the look of me then message back :) xxxxx'

I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a bad message, why are you flagging this up?
Well. His profile is dull as hell. Hell would be more interesting. Not a great comparison.
But that’s not why!! This message. This EXACT message. I have so far received four times! Four times! Over the course of about 2 months. Whaaaaat?!

'You look so cute, your picture is almost as adoreable as the one of my dog'

Oh great. That’s along the same lengths as the guy who said I looked like a constipated budgie in my photo but ‘in a good way’ and then going on to say I seem like I have a really great, dry sense of humour.
My sense of humour doesn’t extend that far, mate!
If I was writing a rule book on internet dating then this would create the rule
‘Don’t compare anyone to an animal. Ever.’