Another Day, Another Man

I got myself into a situation recently that was entirely naive of me.

I'd started talking to a mutual friend and after skyping each other for a bit he kept trying to get me to go on webcam.

Hell no! Even if I had one, right now I look like I've been on the waltzers too long, hair array, no make up, hell.

Somehow, somehow next thing I know I'm getting a small parcel in my post and trying to understand why it's such a long damn process to set up a webcam.


I spend twenty minutes getting the precise angle of hair and face and still make it black and white.

We start talking. I give it ten minutes before I decide that I look like a statue because I'm too scared to move into a wrong angle and turn it off.



I'm sure plenty of people use webcams/Skype to have their conversations, far-away couples, etc....

But

Really not for me though! My gosh, could you even imagine getting naked on one of those things? Please, it's mortifying seeing how you look while trying to move around just to get undressed, let alone actually getting off in front of someone, while seeing yourself, staring back at you....

When in person, I do enjoy some good mirror action but at least you know then that it doesn't matter what the hell you look like or what face you pull because all that matters to the person you're with is that there's a naked person in front of them waiting to be shagged. (Shagged; very English word, very 90's Hugh Grant of me.)


Moral of the story; if you want to use a webcam then get someone else to buy it for you so that when it's quickly discarded at the back of a cupboard you won't feel bad about wasting money. V. Sensible.

Week In, Week Out

Oh the wonders a week can bring.While out for a rendez-vous with a girlfriend (It was our anniversary) we'd decided to stop in on a bar, before going home, as a colleage was out for their birthday.

I'd been there for less than ten minutes (But who's counting?) when I noticed a guy sat at one of the tables.

Oh yes, I recognise that person, I'm sure it's one of Sparkle guy's friends..... Oh yes, that's it, I met him a few weeks ago....But wait.... Oh, oh yes, that would be Sparkle guy, sat there, with his back to me....


However. Sparkle guy lost his sparkle a couple of weeks ago and it turned out that he has no more sparkle than any other man. It's just very unfortunate that he happened to break my hope as a result of it.
So, like the with-it girl I am, I carried on like there was no pink elephant in the room. I sipped away at my wine (Ok, I gulped, I'd had a shock) and involved myself in the group conversation about.... Well, I wasn't really listening... I just kept my peripherol vision wide open in case he turned and noticed me.


He didn't ever turn round. And instead I started to burn holes in the back of his head by staring at it. I promptly addressed the time and urged that we should leave.

So that was a slight disaster that took me straight back up to being on edge and slightly paranoid of seeing certain individuals like this out and about.



You'd think my week couldn't get any worse right? Well, you're wrong. (Obviously, as this post is continuing.)

My working days have been lightened up dramatically by the sighting of this cute wild rabbit that I affectionately named Peter. (As in, Peter Rabbit.) (As in, not very original.)

So, I've been seeing Peter for the last few weeks. Usually on my way home from work and then I started seeing him in the mornings as well! Nibbling away at the weeds/grass (Yes, I really am talking about a real rabbit.) and doing general rabbit things.

I've started saying hello to him and he's started to get more relaxed, basking in the sun when it's shining or just by carrying on munching away at some dandelions.



Now, a couple of days ago, I was on my way home, wondering if I'd get to see my favourite rabbit (alive and fluffy type) when I realed back in horror! I shouted OH MY GOD! (so loudly that I'm quite glad no one else was around...) and my heart started pounding.

Someone had come along and cut the grass! All of it! Gone! Nothing for Peter to hide behind or underneath. Nothing for him to eat. I am distraught.

I haven't seen Peter since the grass has been cut.

I'm worried for his safety.


And that, that just topped my week off for me. I hope other people have had better things to happen or to talk about than something as pathetic yet completely unfortunately true as my weeks events?

Peace

A Walk In The Park

So.

Following on from my last post I'd just like to give you an experience I had recently.

I had a day in London with a current affair a while back. It was wonderful. Tense. Exciting.


He held my umbrella for me. Very charming. (Doesn't take a lot to impress me.)


We'd been pressed into each other's personal spaces all day. ALL DAY.

If there's one thing I do adore about the London tube system it's that. What an excuse to press up against someone. (Hell, if strange men can use it as an excuse to press against me then I'm going to use it as an excuse to press against someone I know!)

What a thriller. It's like some kind of exhibitionist tantric foreplay.


Eventually, after getting wet (in the rain), having dinner (and being the most charming couple to the waiter), drinking cocktails and the abuse of busy tube services we went down Southbank, along the river. (Romantic).

It gets worse. We get to an opening in the path and within all the bricks of the path are lots of small spotlights in blue and white (colours open to correction). There's a few benches in a kind of semi-circle and some classic, round, bushy trees. (You know the type, the ones you usually draw whenever trying to draw a tree.)
The trees have blue fairy-lights all over as well.

So, to quickly set the scene, lights, everywhere, it's dark, it's the riverside, there's not many people and it's warm.


He chooses that exact moment to pull me to one side and kiss me. Under the lights that are like stars.

Do you realise how sickeningly romantic this is? Yes, you must and what's more is that you're still reading this which means you're either just waiting for this is get funny or to a point (maybe you're reading this blog by mistake) OR you actually appreciated how romantic this is.

 

Gag.

Karma Bites

I'm going to be reincarnated into an ant in my next life.

My karma in this life is really becoming something that can't be recovered from.

I thought things were going so well. I've slowed down on drinking. Stopped fuelling the drugs trade. Stopped antagnoising jehover's witnesses....

Only one thing still doesn't seem to have become a deep issue for me...

Sleeping with other people's boyfriends.

I know. I'm a terrible person. Really. Hence the bad karma.

Now. If this was a friend's boyfriend. I could never do it. Wouldn't even think of it. Dream of it. Ponder the idea. I just want to make sure this is clearly recognised; I'm not disloyal.
In my twisted logic I just think that they should not make themselves available. Plus, if it's going to happen with me, it's just as likely to happen with anyone else.

I put myself in their position as well. And really. If I don't know the person and they stayed out of life. Well, they're just a face.




Yep. An ant. Definitely an ant. And I'll get stood on when I've just carried a small piece of dirt for a mile.