Just Follow Me...

So, for the first time in my life the other day I managed to get into a club where I wasn't on the guestlist.

Ok, it was a bar.


And there was no guestlist.
I just didn't have any I.D.

But I did get refused initially until one of the bouncers took pity on me and questioned my peers about my age.
I didn't really know what was going on. I was just told 'Just follow me!'

Dazed and confused I walked up to the bouncer again. And carried on walking. Fabulous!


Now who do I have to shag around here to get a drink?

Falter And Fall

Sometimes we just need to remember where we've come from...

Who has already been through this? Who's been through it already and come out laughing? Who fought for the right we have to have options?

When we falter and fall, when we've lost out inner strength, when we feel lost and without faith or hope. Sometimes the words of others can remind us what's important...

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.

Audrey Hepburn

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

Anon.

If a man talks bad about all women, it usually means he was burned by one woman.

Coco Chanel

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

A Hard Man Is Good To Find (Part 2)

So basically. I've ran out of places to find men.

I tried to work out what bases I hadn't covered, let's see....

• Bars and clubs- No hope in hell here. No matter what anyone tells you, people in clubs are only after one thing; A night of fun. That's all. Even if he makes you breakfast, he's just being polite.

• Internet dating- Alledgedly this is actually a very successful way to meet someone but again, it's full of so many men wanting again, just a night of fun.
  Also, when you're desperate enough to go to the internet for men think how desperate a man must be to go on the internet for a woman. Doesn't seem so great now does it?

• Through friends- I'll be honest here, this is sometimes good, especially when you have the time to get to know the person before deciding if it's something you want to take further.
  HOWEVER! In my experience, having friends actively set me up seems to fail and flail. You think your friend knows you? Really? I bet she's just enjoying herself playing cupid.
  Also, what happens when you realise you don't want to take it further and then have to see them everytime you go out with your friend? Tres awkward....

• Work- I find this is to be one of the Golden places to find someone. Again though, this has major, major flaws to it.
  For one, you have to be accepting you may have to work with that person if things go wrong. Personally though, I think you have enough time to bide to decide if the person is worth this gamble.
  Secondly, in my case, I work in women's retail fashion. There are no men here! And if there are any in our shop, they're buying for their partners. Boo :(

• School- Who's never found a boyfriend from school? Unfortunately, unless you're at uni or under the age of 18 you're only equivelent to this would be an evening class.
  I've been to an evening class and I can tell you now. Don't bother.

So, to conclude; I can not think of anywhere else that I might be missing. Please enlighten me sweet world? Are we really to believe that we're to find our true love while stuck in the rain waiting for a taxi or that they're one day going to move in next door to us?
I think I have more hope of growing a pair of wings.

I Never Loved Another Person The Way I Loved Myself

I have two completely oposing personalities that are housed in my mind.

Obviously, this makes me sound a little mad but, everyone has an ulter-ego.


That inner voice that always shouts at you to do the opposite of what you’re thinking. The one that urges you to go that step further than you should. And mocks you when you do something stupid.


All those books that urge you to ‘tap into your inner voice’? Don’t do it! It’s a complete con that will release your badgirl side.


This girl, she doesn’t care about credit card bills. She demands the best of everything. Then runs away before she has to face the music.

 She insists you buy the big box of chocolates and then shames you into eating them all in one sitting before anyone else can find them. Then tells you she still wants dinner.

 It’s this girl that gets me into trouble. She’s the part of me that’s a sex kitten. Which is really quite unfortunate as the rest of me is just an adult version of my child self.

 This isn’t to say I’m not interested in being a foxy feline and prowling for men. Just that I’m extremely content playing on my own.

Friends Over Boys

A great friendship is something that’s hard to describe.



There’s a scene from the Sex And The City movie (No, this isn’t all about SATC!) when Carrie, after being jilted, is in Mexico with the girls.


Carrie’s in bed, has been for at least a day and a half. She’s in the dark and she just wants everything to disappear.


Samantha comes in with some food. Sits down and spoon feeds her yoghurt.


It’s almost patronising that Sam is treating her like a child. Making sure she eats, while Carrie looks helpless and worn out.

 But, this is friendship.
When your friend treats you like a child because she loves you as if you were her own child.

She will be there when you’re at your complete worst and want to make the pain go away.


Best yet, she does anything possible to help make the pain go away. Looking after your most basic needs so you can focus your energy on getting through the agony.

Good things come in pairs....?

People always say good things come in pairs.

But. Having been single for a while now (Yes, sex included.) I'm thinking...

What's so wrong with it being, Just me?

So, in tribute to all things that come as, Just One, I give you a small list of these wonderful things.

-A good warm scarf- You can't beat one of these wonderful things to wrap around you when the wind gets cold.

-Mobile phones- You only need one of these little gadgets to help keep your social life in check.

-Your beautful handbag- It's a thing of beauty. Yes, you can have more than one but you don't need more than one at a time :)

-The Statue Of Liberty- She's standing out there, on her own. No one pities Lady Liberty.

-The Buddha- State of enlightenment with just his own mind.

-Umbrella's- These marvelous things keep our hair dry in the wet weather.

Romantic? Perhaps....

I love Romeo and Julliet. I have a tattoo of the words he says when watching her dance with Paris.
'Did my heart love til now? For swear it's sight, For I never saw true beauty til this night.'

Abandoned Buildings

I'm so desperate to go to an abandoned hospital

:D

I found a new gay friend last night. Hurrah!

I've been in more laps than a napkin

Through speaking to one of my friend's today I have realised the way to progress my relationships.


'Sleep with them straight away.'



NB: No, I don't understand either.

It's official, good men don't turn me on

I've fallen into a pattern recently with 'The Good Guys'.

Everytime I think that there's a possibility that I'm not going to get screwed over (not in the good way) there's a shift.
Sooner than I can say 'Karma Sutra' a mental chastity belt has landed right over the top of my Agent Provocateur's.

Before long I've placed so much meaning on it that even a Purity leader would be questionning my reasons.
I start thinking that I've just lost my sex drive and it's down to being part of the 'Prozac Nation'....

And then I end up answering the door to a Jehover's Witness not wearing any underwear and telling them I've just been having sex for the last 5 hours.

Progress? I think not.

How can you tell these days who's worth your sweet time?

These days my thoughts on whether a man is suitable for me are based on remedial things such as whether he's a cat or a dog person.
If a dog's behavior is anything to go by (which let's face it, dogs and their owners are usually like twins) then I'd rather pass on a long, wet tongue falling about in my mouth with drool hanging down my chin.
Or worse yet, being licked.
On my face.


Call me old-fashioned but I'm still impressed with a man who can take me places. Literally. Obviously I'd like him to take me to a higher realm of intense pleasure but other than that I'm still bowled over by a certain gentleman working towards his pilot's license.
Yes, he flies planes! I do realise that he doesn't actually have his own plane and he's in copious amounts of debt from this but still. He flies!!

If he can handle a device of that size and intricacy then he's already got one up on all the men who can't even handle a tin-opener.

Crazy? Me?

So.... today I understood for the first time why people in the movies and on tv usually lie down when they have therapy.
It's so godamn tiring!!

Do YOU know how old you were in your earliest memory?!

Relationships? Who wants one of those?

What is wrong with me? There must be something built into my senses, do not fall for the good guy.

It's the worst clichee and completely outdated but I fall for the bad boy every time.


Part of me thinks that really I'm just too scared of meeting someone perfect. I have too many flaws and strange habbits that could easily lead someone to hit me over the head with one of my many spiked stillettos.


No one tells you when you have to grow up. For years I've thought that I've just been too scared to leave my childhood behind and bam! Guess what, I'm now in my twenties and still watch episodes of care bears to relax.
Does one usually have to give up such childhood pleasures in order to succeed in a relationship?




Can I still stay up til the early hours of the morning eating popcorn and ice-cream? Will I no longer be able to get away with eating sweets for breakfast? Would I be able to continue wearing as many colours in one outfit as possible?



These are just some of the questions I'm faced with and I don't think I'm ready to try and answer them.

Vitnage Dresses

These are some amazing finds I've found on this gorgeous website full of museum worthy vintage clothes!

http://www.antiquedress.com/index.html

Mae West

A hard man is good to find.

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

A man's kiss is his signature.

-A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I'd like to see Paris before I die. Philadelphia will do.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

Look your best - who said love is blind?

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.

Personally, I like two types of men - domestic and foreign.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Tipping point of life

My experience with death rings out almost exactly as the book/play 'An Inspector Calls'.
The book where one family has a profound effect on a woman's suicide and no one can establish who the fault lay with.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-First of all the father, the head of the family, fired her from his workhouse after all the workers went on strike. He denies any involvement.

-Next, the daughter of the family was helped by her in a department store. When being jealous of the pretty worker because the dress she tried on was awful and she knew the woman would look perfect in it, she had her fired. She told her bosses that she was rude and that if they didn't fire her she'd make sure they no longer got her family's custom.

-Next, the eldest daughter's fiancee admitted to hiring her as a prostitute and after promised to 'save her'. He put her up in an apartment and gave her an allowance for food, etc. He kept her as his silent mistress and shamelessly decided to throw her out shortly after deciding he would propose to the woman he was courting.

-The mother, then realises that she has also had an encounter with her. Under a false name the woman came to the mother at the charity she runs to help women.
The woman by this time was pregnant and told her that she wouldn't except any money from the father as it was stolen.
She was desperate and penniless but the mother convinced the rest of the workers at the charity that then woman was lying about her story and turned her away. The mother refuses responsibility and says the blame lies with the father of the baby.

-Finally, the son of the family admitted that he was the one who made the woman pregnant after meeting her out one night. He explains that he forced himself upon her even though she refused to have sex with him. It's unspoken truth that he raped her.
When he found out she was pregnant he stole money from his father's business to pay her off but she refused the stolen money.

At having no help, the woman poisoned herself with bleach, she and her unborn child died.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The tipping scales for my suicide came when a heartless boy (he's definitely not worthy of being called a man) aggrevated my thoughts and made fun of my desperate attempts to be saved.

A friend didn't do what she could to save me from the drugs poisoning me further.

Previous to this, so many events contributed to the end. A big one being a boyfriend split up with me disrespectfully and having his new girlfriend begin a tirade of abuse against me.
He didn't help me one time I reached out for help. This made me lose faith in people.

Boyfriends treating me horribly, believing I was worthless and taking drugs and drinking to escape, being let down too many times, losing faith, having friends not care, having friends go away and beliving that I belonged with a group of low-lifes.

Cause and effect, one thing after another that at the final point was a small, final tip of the scales that caused me to give it all up.

Update

It has been a fair while since I've been on here, bad times.
Unfortunately I took a rather bad overdose a few weeks ago and was in hospital for almost 10 days.

Anyway! I'm doing some research at the moment for my novel I want to write. Basically chick-lit so nothing too exhilerating.


I'm pretty desperate to go back to Paris by the end of the year, maybe a new year trip at latest? Who knows.

In other news I'm far too poor to buy any cosmetics or clothing items which is very sad for me. Dislike.
I've been spending my time getting books from the library, yes, library! Getting out books, those things that are the primitive versions of the film.

My good-on-paper guy hasn't called me yet this week. Actually, I don't know why I keep calling him that, he's definitely not that great on paper, he's only 21!
I've decided that pretending I'm a lesbian and saying I can't meet women is a much more appealing idea than even talking to a man right now. Girl Power.

Too long

I have now moved house.

Which is why I haven't been online.

I've found a new love interest. I will call him Frog.

I'm hopefully getting a new Chanel style tattoo at the end of this month along with new clothes. Much needed.

Plotting trips to; Rome at end of July; Oz for Christmas and New Year.

Over and out.

Clown make up?

Love this loads... May try something a bit more princessy as a tribute though....

It's almost Friday....

So I get so see my best friend du jour tomorrow morning.

Dr. Miss. Anyway, I'll be asking her for some therapy. Proper therapy and not the counselling that I'm getting now.
As much as what's her face  is useful, I feel like she does think my problems are rather... remidial? Is that the word?

And as much as I'd love to delve into my sex life with her and try and scrutinise it to every detail. I just don't think she could hack it.

Plus I already made out like I was an angel. Natch.


I think my doc will be happy to know that I've cut out my sleeping tablets now though. Although I'm still having nightmares.

Rape, violence, fights, anger, knives, guns, killing, running, Anxiety.


On the plus side it's payday tomorrow. I get to pay my phone bill. And I want Topshop goodness.....

Topshop vintage dress



I'll be spending my Friday night with friends, taking coke and forgetting that normal life exists. Just how I like it.
Now I just need to plan an outfit....

Start

Since my mind was wiped clean of everything I thought I knew, I now have to discover what happiness is to me and how to deal with sadness.
I'm on a journey. It's not all pretty. A lot of my problems stem from relationships of any kind.

I need to get my words out because one day soon I won't have a counsellor to help me through these issues.