Ode to Burt.
You've been there for me for nearly 6 years now.
I remember when I first met you, shiny and new. You spent time with me and my boyfriend and introduced me to new fun things.
Boyfriends have come and gone yet you've stayed with me all along.
You kept me busy when I had no one else around and didn't get upset when I left you alone.
I thought I'd hurt you so many times too but you powered on through, making sure I wasn't ever left unhappy.
Six years! You're the longest relationship I've ever had!
Nothing has ever been able to compare to you and I'm sorry for all the times I tried to replace you with something new.
You can handle my boredom, handle my frustration, handle my excitement.
I don't tell you enough Burt, but I do love you so. I'll be so sad, the day that you go.
Long live Burt, the best vibrating rabbit a girl could have.
Tuesday 30 August 2011
Saturday 27 August 2011
First, Second, Third?
I was thinking about my first kiss the other day. Nothing too inspiring or thought-provoking. Not exactly a core-shaker.
However, I've just thought about my 'timeline of events' and I've just realised that actually, that can't have been my first kiss. I think I was mistaking it for my first boyfriend...
Yep, went out with the guy for 3 weeks before getting bored and finding someone new.
So what's the problem, just a little misunderstanding, understandable considering it was longer ago than last month...
Well, now trying to recall...Who the hell was my first kiss?
There was a guy I was 'going out with', nicknamed him 'Kent'. (The clue's there, I'm not giving away his identity.)
I remember we did...other stuff... Did we kiss? We must have done. Kissing comes before everything else right? Hmmm....
I realise this kind of mental block may not be an inspiring topic or even very amusing.... Who was your first kiss? Do you remember it unlike me??
However, I've just thought about my 'timeline of events' and I've just realised that actually, that can't have been my first kiss. I think I was mistaking it for my first boyfriend...
Yep, went out with the guy for 3 weeks before getting bored and finding someone new.
So what's the problem, just a little misunderstanding, understandable considering it was longer ago than last month...
Well, now trying to recall...Who the hell was my first kiss?
There was a guy I was 'going out with', nicknamed him 'Kent'. (The clue's there, I'm not giving away his identity.)
I remember we did...other stuff... Did we kiss? We must have done. Kissing comes before everything else right? Hmmm....
I realise this kind of mental block may not be an inspiring topic or even very amusing.... Who was your first kiss? Do you remember it unlike me??
Monday 22 August 2011
Irony...
...Is when you basically just have an argument because you realise you're falling in love.
Aside from that I had a cracker of a compliment from a guy a while ago...
'It's like Lego penis and vagina.'
Aside from that I had a cracker of a compliment from a guy a while ago...
'It's like Lego penis and vagina.'
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Well That Worked Well...
I tried in vain to have a crush on someone to distract myself from my lover....
Turned out he's only eighteen.
And 'bisexual'... Well, I think he's more gay...
Don't think I need to say anymore than that really....
Turned out he's only eighteen.
And 'bisexual'... Well, I think he's more gay...
Don't think I need to say anymore than that really....
Thursday 4 August 2011
A Weekend In Another World
I spent some of a recent weekend with my current love affair.
We lived the life I want.
We sat in the sunshine, we drank summer drinks, we went for dinner, we strolled through beautiful places, we kissed behind rails of clothes in shops....
So, just to turn this away from sounding like a stupidly gag-inducing post I'd like to clearly state now. We fucked.
We fucked so much we tore the sheet on the bed.... (Sorry hotel people.)
Later on, after a much needed sustenance break, we resumed with our antics.
We are just as amazing in bed as we are out of it.
And then something even more magical happens.... Remember that kiss under the fairy lights? The perfect moment for a kiss? Yep... Well, this is more magical...
He comes. While inside of me. (Yes I know this isn't something that's magical.) I'm in a kneeling position on him and he's sat up.
He comes. And then I come. He sets me off. I almost knock him out in my shuddering orgasm. (That's the magical part.)
Something out of a novel right?
Well, what makes it more magical for me is that... I never come in sex.
This isn't down to my partners I'd like to say. I fully enjoy sex but I don't enjoy it when someone's spending their time trying to make me orgasm and I'm like, seriously, this is great but my clitoris is used to vibrating rabbit ears. Let's not spend so much time on it that it becomes awkward.
And let's face it. Who the hell wants sex that's just about one person. You might as well be masturbating. On your own.
So, in the past. There have only been two people who have achieved this magic. (Yep, decided to carry on using 'magic' as my appropriate metaphor.)
They've both been long term boyfriends.
The first, I'll just point out, was when I was 16/17.
I didn't even know what an orgasm was. And we weren't even having sex. But this happened on three separate occasions until my best friend and I had a talk and she confirmed that indeed, I'd been having orgasms. (Something that was rather an amusing in-joke between us.)
The other, last happened, sometime in 2009? Is that right? (Like I'm asking my vagina that question....)
Where this whole event gets worse is when I'm talking to one of my friends about it. (The same one who thinks my life is 'hilarious'.)
I confess that this has only happened with people I've been in love with and that even then, it was never so.....synchronised.
She gasps. (Maybe.)
'This basically means you love him!'
I protest. Of course it doesn't. I can't describe my feelings really, although I do admit that having a best friend and then having passionate sex with them does basically make it a relationship kind of feeling.
But, no! It's not like that....
She just looks at me and says 'You're in trouble.'
And of course, she's right.
Damn.
We lived the life I want.
We sat in the sunshine, we drank summer drinks, we went for dinner, we strolled through beautiful places, we kissed behind rails of clothes in shops....
So, just to turn this away from sounding like a stupidly gag-inducing post I'd like to clearly state now. We fucked.
We fucked so much we tore the sheet on the bed.... (Sorry hotel people.)
Later on, after a much needed sustenance break, we resumed with our antics.
We are just as amazing in bed as we are out of it.
And then something even more magical happens.... Remember that kiss under the fairy lights? The perfect moment for a kiss? Yep... Well, this is more magical...
He comes. While inside of me. (Yes I know this isn't something that's magical.) I'm in a kneeling position on him and he's sat up.
He comes. And then I come. He sets me off. I almost knock him out in my shuddering orgasm. (That's the magical part.)
Something out of a novel right?
Well, what makes it more magical for me is that... I never come in sex.
This isn't down to my partners I'd like to say. I fully enjoy sex but I don't enjoy it when someone's spending their time trying to make me orgasm and I'm like, seriously, this is great but my clitoris is used to vibrating rabbit ears. Let's not spend so much time on it that it becomes awkward.
And let's face it. Who the hell wants sex that's just about one person. You might as well be masturbating. On your own.
So, in the past. There have only been two people who have achieved this magic. (Yep, decided to carry on using 'magic' as my appropriate metaphor.)
They've both been long term boyfriends.
The first, I'll just point out, was when I was 16/17.
I didn't even know what an orgasm was. And we weren't even having sex. But this happened on three separate occasions until my best friend and I had a talk and she confirmed that indeed, I'd been having orgasms. (Something that was rather an amusing in-joke between us.)
The other, last happened, sometime in 2009? Is that right? (Like I'm asking my vagina that question....)
Where this whole event gets worse is when I'm talking to one of my friends about it. (The same one who thinks my life is 'hilarious'.)
I confess that this has only happened with people I've been in love with and that even then, it was never so.....synchronised.
She gasps. (Maybe.)
'This basically means you love him!'
I protest. Of course it doesn't. I can't describe my feelings really, although I do admit that having a best friend and then having passionate sex with them does basically make it a relationship kind of feeling.
But, no! It's not like that....
She just looks at me and says 'You're in trouble.'
And of course, she's right.
Damn.
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Definition of Life
One of my best friends likes to point out on regular occasions (Usually when I'm facing disastrous situations ) how 'hilarious' she finds my life.
I think the word she actually means is 'tragic'.
But it's true, it is regularly that these events happen.
Recently, my mum, my sister and I had a trip planned for a spa day (Champney's all the way). We were picking up my sister on the way and my mum and I were all packed and ready to go.
Now, my parents have long installed a strong sense of security in me and I had to endure plenty of conversations about the research of the 'best type' of doors and door handles.
You may wonder if there's much to think about with regard to door handles but my god, shapes, lengths, handle direction, thickness.... I could go on (but don't want you to realise how deeply uncool I am for knowing this stuff).
So anyway, we have some extremely secure front door that I can't really believe isn't made of titanium....
We also have the handle to match.
What the hell does this all have to do with going to a spa I hear you ask.
Well, just to go a bit further, when you have your key in the door-lock from inside the house, if you were to put a key in from the outside, it won't let you unlock the door. (This still has nothing to do with spas Madison!!)
SO, my mother had unlocked the door (from the inside) and we were walking out the door, finally (because it takes so long to get ready to go somewhere that requires no make-up, jewellery or clothes other than a bikini....).
Her phone rings. I carry on walking. Then I hear a 'Shit!'
Next thing I know I'm being eyed suspiciously by people walking by my house because I have my arm through the letter box, upto my elbow or because I'm taking my arm out of the letter box and in my hand is a re-shaped wire hanger.
Yep, I'm breaking into my own house. My mother has left her keys in the door and then closed the door.
We can not get in. Her car keys are on the set of keys also. My key won't work because her key is in the lock.
So instead I'm trying to pull down the handle with a wire coat hanger that I had to ask my neighbour for and alternating with trying to hook the keys out of the door.
Welcome to my life.
I think the word she actually means is 'tragic'.
But it's true, it is regularly that these events happen.
Recently, my mum, my sister and I had a trip planned for a spa day (Champney's all the way). We were picking up my sister on the way and my mum and I were all packed and ready to go.
Now, my parents have long installed a strong sense of security in me and I had to endure plenty of conversations about the research of the 'best type' of doors and door handles.
You may wonder if there's much to think about with regard to door handles but my god, shapes, lengths, handle direction, thickness.... I could go on (but don't want you to realise how deeply uncool I am for knowing this stuff).
So anyway, we have some extremely secure front door that I can't really believe isn't made of titanium....
We also have the handle to match.
What the hell does this all have to do with going to a spa I hear you ask.
Well, just to go a bit further, when you have your key in the door-lock from inside the house, if you were to put a key in from the outside, it won't let you unlock the door. (This still has nothing to do with spas Madison!!)
SO, my mother had unlocked the door (from the inside) and we were walking out the door, finally (because it takes so long to get ready to go somewhere that requires no make-up, jewellery or clothes other than a bikini....).
Her phone rings. I carry on walking. Then I hear a 'Shit!'
Next thing I know I'm being eyed suspiciously by people walking by my house because I have my arm through the letter box, upto my elbow or because I'm taking my arm out of the letter box and in my hand is a re-shaped wire hanger.
Yep, I'm breaking into my own house. My mother has left her keys in the door and then closed the door.
We can not get in. Her car keys are on the set of keys also. My key won't work because her key is in the lock.
So instead I'm trying to pull down the handle with a wire coat hanger that I had to ask my neighbour for and alternating with trying to hook the keys out of the door.
Welcome to my life.
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