You can’t get hard
Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis.
I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…
I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.
-Written by twogirlsonecup (Courtesy of http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/)
I'm not going to lie to you all. (All, I say that like there's more than one person reading.)
Anyway, I'm not going to lie. I am terrible at keeping on task/updating/doing anything productive.
I actually have two posts, half written, in my drafts, waiting to be finished off. Signed off with a dot if you will. (Yep, just made up an expression of my own.)
It was recently my birthday anyway. I can't say my perspective and outlook on life has dramatically improved, have to say.
I did leave my sunglasses down south though.
Yes. I did fly the nest to visit pastures new.
(Well, I certainly seem to be speaking like an elderly person.)
I have to say as well, I co-hosted a radio show last week. Very exciting right?! (No, still not famous.) (Our mums are our biggest fans.)
Anyway, I came out with these two cracking sentiments;
'Tallyhoe ol' chap!'
And
'Give it some welly!'
So yeah, beginning to think I'm absolutely ready for a life of cats already.....
In other news. I finally had sex! Not a huge deal, not like it was my first time....with that person.
I needed it. Let's just say that.
Sorry to be so crude but to be honest, the relationship I've had with my vibrator of late has been very turbulent and I think it's really happy that I've finally given it a break. I genuinely feel disliked by my own toys.
Anyway, there was less of a point to this post. Many things have been happening recently that I really need to construct into some good group of words.
Like Dreamy guy. I have mentionned him before. He's dreamy. He makes me swoon. I got to see him. But I will talk about this another day!!
In this day and age, why are women still labelled as 'Miss' and 'Mrs' yet men have no such devide?
DISLIKE.
Well, first of all, on a love-related note....
Sorry, did I say love? What a joke.
The one person I love doesn't have enough balls to be in a relationship. He's had his chance.
And the one person who I could fall in love with... well, I'm not sure for sure but I'm pretty confident that he's not into the idea either.
And I've cut both of them off. I'm not stupid, I know the way to find out where you stand. Don't contact them, be off the visor and see what happens.... (Doesn't mean I have to like to results.)
So, my relationship is with my vibrator. And it isn't even a great relationship.
I demand it after weeks of not giving him any care or attention (Yep, decided it's a male vibrator.) and then use and abuse him until his batteries have worn down.
This mainly equates to about ten times in a row until both him and me are shuddering and worn out.
I've also agreed once more to an attempt of someone to set me up. Now, if anyone has read my previous posts, you'll know that I have completely written off the idea of being set up, many a time.
Why now? I'm bad at saying no. Really. Bad.
I've also protested that this double-date affair is going to be a non-date. No mention of any kind of set-up or date or being single or relationship, etc, etc, etc.
Yep. I think I've fallen for it once again haven't I? Totally being conned aren't I? Great.
Post coming up about when you get too old to get away with certain things....
Very much leading on from the last post in terms of speculation.
But. With more appealing topics that my sunglasses and my bike.
P.S. I have a man update that I need to tell all about.
Also, I wonder how crude I could get on this blog.... Would people be offended if occasionally I was a little more explicit??
I've decided my tool to surviving the roads when cycling (Yep, still haven't evolved past the piece of scrap metal.) is my sunglasses.
They're wonderful. Pink hearts with darkened lenses. I purchased them from Portabello Road market a few years ago (therefore, they're vintage, right??) for a modest amount of money.
So, what's so special about these glasses I hear you ask. Do they have rearview mirrors attached? Have a pop up sign attached, warning people of my bad skill of staying in a straight line? Blow smoke signals? Blind drivers into stopping for me?
Nope. They're just pink heart, sunglasses. My 7 month old niece pulls them off rather well actually.
(If she was bigger then I'd definitely go as far as to say they'd look better on her than me.)
So these glasses are not magic. But. They lull people into the illusion that I'm younger than I am. They see bright, shaped glasses on a pink bike (didn't I mention that before?) and immediately '7 year old' springs to their mind. This means people stop for me, let me pass and generally are a lot more patient with my speed and slow progress.
I don't wear them purely for this reason though. I actually like to kid myself that they make me look cute. In an ever-so-ironic way.
It makes me wonder though, when do you stop being able to get away with these things? Are you ok to take on child-like qualities (and dress sense) until you're 25? 30? 40??
I think this may take longer to explore....
