His Mother Should Have Thrown Him Out And Kept The Stork.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.....Another cracker from Mae West.

I should remember this phrase more often, as it rather sheds some slight, glimmer of humour onto the less than misbahaved men of this world.

In the days of Mae West, Hollywood Era, grace, poise, dignity and men being the leaders, what was a man's worst romantic crime?

Betrayal? Such as infidelity, lying, not consulting his partner of an important change to happen in their lives...Neglect? Abuse? Simply leaving his wife alone with the baby every evening, while he works late and then goes for social outtings with fellow male companions?

Women in those times didn't really have too much choice of whether to stand by their husbands or not...In fact they were the 'disgraced' one if they were shown to be unsupportive, so, any 'romantic crime' that was committed was soon burried under the carpet, so to speak.


I'm not sure whether the women of that era were more dignified when it came to their relationships or just more supressed....

What happens nowadays? Throw a public tantrum, post some unhappy social media updates, feel completely wronged, alone, betrayed?

Well, I think it's just the evolution of our society that's created this or perhaps, the devolution of some of the male generation....

Devolution such as the following;

-Not being courteous; opening doors, offering a hand, making sure she's warm, holding her umbrella? (Okay, that might be a little too far.)

-Making a woman think she's the one who's mad when she catches onto a lie. This is what produces specimens of psycho, bunny-boiler types!

-Respect. Lack of. When a Hollywood icon flashed a bit of cleavage, the leading man would not under any circumstance encourage her to carry on, he would look slightly bashful with a hint of luckiest-man-in-the-world to have seen such wonder. (Yes, I might be going a little too far again with the facial expressions.)

-Being a coward. You make a commitment to someone. When you faulter, don't run away. Face your commitment. Whatever level of commitment it is. And if you do choose to end it, have the grace to not start seeing someone else before it's over, don't ignore her until she ends it first and for Mae's sake, don't end it in a text!
 

Sex Toys and STI's

I recently had an experience of tackling the subject of Sexually Transmitted Infections with a new love interest.
(Do you notice how I start all my stories with 'recently'?)

Now. Before you take this as some kind of new-angle take of writing a blog about the more serious things in life or trying to 'teach' others new things, I'm not.

This is how the situation should have gone...

Me: I think before we do anything together sexually we should both make sure we're free from sti's.
Him: Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

This is how the situation actually went.... (Condensed and simplified)

Me: I want to suck your dick.
Him: I want to go down on you.

Half-naked times commence.

Me: I want to have sex with you.
Him: Okay, let me get a condom.
Me: I'm on the pill.
Him: Errrm....
Me: Oh... Are you worried about the other thing?
Him: Yes.
Me: I see. Well. But.... I don't understand, you just went down on me... If you're gonna get something... You can get it from that as well...
Him: What.

At this point I explain that sexual fluids are sexual fluids and have to break it to him that you can still get aids just from giving oral sex. Sigh. Making him feel stupid. Feel like a bitch.

Him: Well, since my last STI check-up I've used a condom everytime I've had sex.
Me: Yes but I've only had sex with a girl wearing a strap on since I last had a check-up. And she's a porn star. They have to be checked all the time and be safe....I'm pretty sure you can't catch an STI from a strap-on! (Sigh. I'm being a bitch again.)
Him: .....


And now it's almost Christmas. I have to try and get a sex-test around the Christmas period.

It's going to be ages before I can have sex.

I feel like I'm living in a, safe-sex at the holidays, booklet...

Father Christmas's Guide To Safe Holiday Sex!  

I think I'm onto a winner...

Another Week, Another Adventure

I don't even know where to begin with my week.
I've been insanely busy. Partying. Ha. It's a hard life I lead right?!

In seriousness though, I have been working stupid amounts.

And Christmas is coming soon right!
I haven't even had a chance to devise a little Christmas list of my own, let alone, shop for other people!
(That should be the other way round though, shouldn't it?)(Yes, I'm selfish.)


So, one of my days this week carried it's usual mix of surrealism and strange reality.

I was at a themed studio all day, that's weirdly enough ran by a member of a famous metal band. (Very odd.)The studio is beautiful. It's a set of themed rooms, a gothic style bedroom chamber, a prison cell, a big elegant-gothic style lounge area, an office, a bar and an American diner. Oh and a dungeon/torture chamber room.

I kept wishing the bar was real. And there was a fake frothy milkshake with straws that I just wanted to be a real vanilla ice-cream float. (I even tried sucking on it just in case...)(No pun intended.)


Anyway, so we were there shooting porn again, obviously, I was not in the porn, I am just the make-up artist.


Now, we'd been up since 8am, I'm not used to the early hours, by the time we'd got to the studio and done all the make-up and set-up, it was gone midday.
I needed a nap badly. And I was cold. (Air-con in a place where people are predominantly naked, someone please explain?)
So I sought comfort on the nearest comfy spot; a torture style, leather-effect bed. Complete with a wooden cage underneath. Yep. I took my nap in the torture chamber. Glamourous.

Obviously after my nap I was a happy kitten and decided to be sociable again and see what's going on.... Apply some more make-up...... Decide to play on the sex swing hanging from the ceiling......

I need to get my single girl shit together.

One Extreme To The Next

My life is laughable at the moment.

Last weekend I spent Bonfire night in a porn studio. (SheBang.TV FYI)
For six hours I was with two naked girls.
One with implants, blonde extensions, tanned skin. The typical 'porn babe' and the other a beautiful, innocent-blue eyed, black hair with a tiny waist.

I was almost hanging out naked as well just because it was so insanely hot in there.

I was working (doing make-up) until gone 2am. One of the girls put an indoor sparkler (safety first) in herself (/up herself?) which was rather entertaining.

At one point I did wonder to myself what the etiquette was for sitting in a porn studio...
I mean, I got rather bored a couple of hours in and kinda wanted to read a magazine but I thought to myself, would that be rude?


Anyway. A few hours later I was awake again, travelling back from London. Already tired. Already consumed half my daily calories with a McDonalds breakfast.
I get to my usual job....

'Can I have some mint sauce with my chicken please' (Yes, I've made that more polite than the actual request)
'My kids are hungry, where's our food?'
'Do you have sour cream?' (No.)
'I don't have a yorkshire pudding.'

Are you kidding me?! 12 hours ago I was rubbing foundation into someone's pubic region and now I have to deal with you morons?!

My life, ladies and gentleman. Ever a pleasure.

Internet Dating... Really?

Going on a dating website.

Yes. I dared to go on this stupid adventure. Again.
Uh-huh, you heard. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone down this road.

What possessed me this time? Well I wish it was some kind of dramatic event that scared me into believing I was destined for a life of being Miss Haversham. It wasn’t.



(I was bored.)

This time I decided to use it to a slight creative advantage though and so thought I’d collate  me of the amusing rubbish I got sent...(With my comments)

User: Bromleyboi
Message:Ur ass here now lol


Right. Why are you including Avril Lavigne spelling in your username. Seriously. What’s wrong with you? And do you think putting a ‘lol’ at the end is meant to make me laugh also and see your message as ‘cheeky’ and endearing?

User: samdabest
Message: I'm doing survey at the moment and my message can be cheeky for you. But if you sensibly answer me, it will make my life easier.

Question:Why you cover your breast if it is made to be shown off at some point?

Another great username. ‘Da.’ ‘Da Best.’ Do I even need to comment on this? Who the eff says that apart from someone who wants to be Ali G?I had to use some great restraint to not reply asking how on earth breasts are made to be shown off? For a start, I thought they were ‘made’ to hold milk. So to be honest, your question creates thoughts in my head that I don’t even want to entertain.

Lazydave- 'I'm not gonna lie, you have definitely a fuller profile than most and all that I notice from it is that you think that a date involves going skydiving!

I can only presume that someone asked you to do this as a date, and it shows that clearly they're an idiot. I can honestly say that I wouldn't ask you on a skydiving date, because I'm not retarded, I can only promise that I would be a slightly above average conversationalist. And since you have already seen what I look like from my pics, I can't argue that I'm stunning, I'm generic at best.
So with your expectations set at a reasonable level, how would you go about becoming a make up artist?'

Why, oh why, why, why, why on earth would you degrade yourself so much when trying to get someone’s attention. I’d like to know if this person ever gets any replies from this…

'Hey how are you tonight photography's fun never done it but my mate is constantly taking photos he's obsessed I have told him to shove his camera somewhere once or twice haha.'


You think photography’s fun? But you’ve never done it? So what about it do you find fun? Are you perhaps just trying your best to relate to one of my interests? Yes? Thought so.

HeartbrokenandSingle

Just the username for this one. His profile and message matched as expected. Yes. He’s just got out of a long-term, serious relationship. Who the hell wants to get involved with someone who’s pining for another girl?!

'IV just come out of prison so this is new to me I went in for something petty tbh but it taught me u can never have to many friend and I'm a nice Guy even fellow in mates said the same and friends say I treat women to good after everything IV Bern through with them hope to hear from u xx'

I admire the honesty, really I do. But not enough to actually reply. Why would you tell someone this in a first message?!
How are you even meant to reply to something like that? ‘Yes, I’ve heard prison isn’t a great place to be. What were you in for? I’d love to meet you soon and talk about it….’

'hey sweets u ok,
ohh love ya pic xso wat race are u then? X'

Erm. To explain. The dating site has a line that states your ethnicity. My name is Madison. I’m caucasion. It’s pretty clear what race I am. If I could face palm in reply to a message. I would.

'wow! If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction just for looking hot like this lol'

This one’s just for the chat up line… And this one;
'Hope you don't mind me messaging you but you caught my eye.. don't worry its not hurt so no need to call a doctor lol.'


'hey there gawjus u okay???? i just looked at ure pic an i thought wow ure gawjus an thought that u deserve to no, and how cum ure on here cuz sureley u havnt got a problem pulling lads lol x'

OH MY GOD. Why can’t you spell?! Why have you just spelt gorgeous like that more than once! I deserve to ‘no’ I’m ‘gawjus’? Well thank you sooo much. I really, really appreciate that information. Thank you for letting me know!
P.S. ‘Pulling lads’ is one thing, finding someone who can hold a conversation is another.

'Hey. you prob get so many messages on here so not sure what to put to make you interested in me but here goes!!!
I'm dan I'm 23 from
Reading! Im a pretty laid back and chilled out guy. What sort of guy you looking for on here? You seem a really nice
girl so take a look on my profile
and if you like the look of me then message back :) xxxxx'

I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a bad message, why are you flagging this up?
Well. His profile is dull as hell. Hell would be more interesting. Not a great comparison.
But that’s not why!! This message. This EXACT message. I have so far received four times! Four times! Over the course of about 2 months. Whaaaaat?!

'You look so cute, your picture is almost as adoreable as the one of my dog'

Oh great. That’s along the same lengths as the guy who said I looked like a constipated budgie in my photo but ‘in a good way’ and then going on to say I seem like I have a really great, dry sense of humour.
My sense of humour doesn’t extend that far, mate!
If I was writing a rule book on internet dating then this would create the rule
‘Don’t compare anyone to an animal. Ever.’

Ramble and Bamble

I don't even know where to start on my escapades of late.

They involve;

-Being on the set of a glamour shoot and watching some live porn (Cue, jealousy from all the 19/20 year old guys I work with.)

-Hanging out with a pretty famous rockstar (not naming anyone) and him giving me a lift home... to my shitty little town. (Yup. Bit weird.)

-Basically having sex with a girl for the first time (Although, I wonder how you define having sex with a girl if you're a girl? I mean, unless you have a strap-on, there's not really any penetration... Help?)


On the plus side though, these small fabulous moments in my life are taking away the flailing groan of my usual tragic life.

Like Internet Dating.

Yes. Internet Dating. You heard. And yes. I'm giving the term capital letters.


To throw in some more of the usual events though, I tried to make my friend a dinosaur birthday cake. I got cocky. Cake=1 - Madison=0