Week In, Week Out

Oh the wonders a week can bring.While out for a rendez-vous with a girlfriend (It was our anniversary) we'd decided to stop in on a bar, before going home, as a colleage was out for their birthday.

I'd been there for less than ten minutes (But who's counting?) when I noticed a guy sat at one of the tables.

Oh yes, I recognise that person, I'm sure it's one of Sparkle guy's friends..... Oh yes, that's it, I met him a few weeks ago....But wait.... Oh, oh yes, that would be Sparkle guy, sat there, with his back to me....


However. Sparkle guy lost his sparkle a couple of weeks ago and it turned out that he has no more sparkle than any other man. It's just very unfortunate that he happened to break my hope as a result of it.
So, like the with-it girl I am, I carried on like there was no pink elephant in the room. I sipped away at my wine (Ok, I gulped, I'd had a shock) and involved myself in the group conversation about.... Well, I wasn't really listening... I just kept my peripherol vision wide open in case he turned and noticed me.


He didn't ever turn round. And instead I started to burn holes in the back of his head by staring at it. I promptly addressed the time and urged that we should leave.

So that was a slight disaster that took me straight back up to being on edge and slightly paranoid of seeing certain individuals like this out and about.



You'd think my week couldn't get any worse right? Well, you're wrong. (Obviously, as this post is continuing.)

My working days have been lightened up dramatically by the sighting of this cute wild rabbit that I affectionately named Peter. (As in, Peter Rabbit.) (As in, not very original.)

So, I've been seeing Peter for the last few weeks. Usually on my way home from work and then I started seeing him in the mornings as well! Nibbling away at the weeds/grass (Yes, I really am talking about a real rabbit.) and doing general rabbit things.

I've started saying hello to him and he's started to get more relaxed, basking in the sun when it's shining or just by carrying on munching away at some dandelions.



Now, a couple of days ago, I was on my way home, wondering if I'd get to see my favourite rabbit (alive and fluffy type) when I realed back in horror! I shouted OH MY GOD! (so loudly that I'm quite glad no one else was around...) and my heart started pounding.

Someone had come along and cut the grass! All of it! Gone! Nothing for Peter to hide behind or underneath. Nothing for him to eat. I am distraught.

I haven't seen Peter since the grass has been cut.

I'm worried for his safety.


And that, that just topped my week off for me. I hope other people have had better things to happen or to talk about than something as pathetic yet completely unfortunately true as my weeks events?

Peace

A Walk In The Park

So.

Following on from my last post I'd just like to give you an experience I had recently.

I had a day in London with a current affair a while back. It was wonderful. Tense. Exciting.


He held my umbrella for me. Very charming. (Doesn't take a lot to impress me.)


We'd been pressed into each other's personal spaces all day. ALL DAY.

If there's one thing I do adore about the London tube system it's that. What an excuse to press up against someone. (Hell, if strange men can use it as an excuse to press against me then I'm going to use it as an excuse to press against someone I know!)

What a thriller. It's like some kind of exhibitionist tantric foreplay.


Eventually, after getting wet (in the rain), having dinner (and being the most charming couple to the waiter), drinking cocktails and the abuse of busy tube services we went down Southbank, along the river. (Romantic).

It gets worse. We get to an opening in the path and within all the bricks of the path are lots of small spotlights in blue and white (colours open to correction). There's a few benches in a kind of semi-circle and some classic, round, bushy trees. (You know the type, the ones you usually draw whenever trying to draw a tree.)
The trees have blue fairy-lights all over as well.

So, to quickly set the scene, lights, everywhere, it's dark, it's the riverside, there's not many people and it's warm.


He chooses that exact moment to pull me to one side and kiss me. Under the lights that are like stars.

Do you realise how sickeningly romantic this is? Yes, you must and what's more is that you're still reading this which means you're either just waiting for this is get funny or to a point (maybe you're reading this blog by mistake) OR you actually appreciated how romantic this is.

 

Gag.

Karma Bites

I'm going to be reincarnated into an ant in my next life.

My karma in this life is really becoming something that can't be recovered from.

I thought things were going so well. I've slowed down on drinking. Stopped fuelling the drugs trade. Stopped antagnoising jehover's witnesses....

Only one thing still doesn't seem to have become a deep issue for me...

Sleeping with other people's boyfriends.

I know. I'm a terrible person. Really. Hence the bad karma.

Now. If this was a friend's boyfriend. I could never do it. Wouldn't even think of it. Dream of it. Ponder the idea. I just want to make sure this is clearly recognised; I'm not disloyal.
In my twisted logic I just think that they should not make themselves available. Plus, if it's going to happen with me, it's just as likely to happen with anyone else.

I put myself in their position as well. And really. If I don't know the person and they stayed out of life. Well, they're just a face.




Yep. An ant. Definitely an ant. And I'll get stood on when I've just carried a small piece of dirt for a mile.

DEALBREAKER

You can’t get hard

Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis.


I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…





I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.





-Written by twogirlsonecup (Courtesy of http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/)

Mess Of Words. Clash.

I'm not going to lie to you all. (All, I say that like there's more than one person reading.)

Anyway, I'm not going to lie. I am terrible at keeping on task/updating/doing anything productive.
I actually have two posts, half written, in my drafts, waiting to be finished off. Signed off with a dot if you will. (Yep, just made up an expression of my own.)


It was recently my birthday anyway. I can't say my perspective and outlook on life has dramatically improved, have to say.

I did leave my sunglasses down south though.

Yes. I did fly the nest to visit pastures new.


(Well, I certainly seem to be speaking like an elderly person.)

I have to say as well, I co-hosted a radio show last week. Very exciting right?! (No, still not famous.) (Our mums are our biggest fans.)

Anyway, I came out with these two cracking sentiments;

'Tallyhoe ol' chap!'

And

'Give it some welly!'

So yeah, beginning to think I'm absolutely ready for a life of cats already.....



In other news. I finally had sex! Not a huge deal, not like it was my first time....with that person.
I needed it. Let's just say that.

Sorry to be so crude but to be honest, the relationship I've had with my vibrator of late has been very turbulent and I think it's really happy that I've finally given it a break. I genuinely feel disliked by my own toys.



Anyway, there was less of a point to this post. Many things have been happening recently that I really need to construct into some good group of words.
Like Dreamy guy. I have mentionned him before. He's dreamy. He makes me swoon. I got to see him. But I will talk about this another day!!

Just A Thought...

In this day and age, why are women still labelled as 'Miss' and 'Mrs' yet men have no such devide?


DISLIKE.

Love And Other Things

Well, first of all, on a love-related note....

Sorry, did I say love? What a joke.

The one person I love doesn't have enough balls to be in a relationship. He's had his chance.

And the one person who I could fall in love with... well, I'm not sure for sure but I'm pretty confident that he's not into the idea either.

And I've cut both of them off. I'm not stupid, I know the way to find out where you stand. Don't contact them, be off the visor and see what happens.... (Doesn't mean I have to like to results.)


So, my relationship is with my vibrator. And it isn't even a great relationship.

I demand it after weeks of not giving him any care or attention (Yep, decided it's a male vibrator.) and then use and abuse him until his batteries have worn down.

This mainly equates to about ten times in a row until both him and me are shuddering and worn out.


I've also agreed once more to an attempt of someone to set me up. Now, if anyone has read my previous posts, you'll know that I have completely written off the idea of being set up, many a time.

Why now? I'm bad at saying no. Really. Bad.

I've also protested that this double-date affair is going to be a non-date. No mention of any kind of set-up or date or being single or relationship, etc, etc, etc.



Yep. I think I've fallen for it once again haven't I? Totally being conned aren't I? Great.